Lately there has been a lot of “Save the Tigers” bullshit going around. But what I want to know is ‘why do we want to save the motherfucking tigers?’ How is it gonna change anyone’s life? Lunch at my goddamn workplace is going to suck even if there are 10,000 tigers alive. Without tigers, the only difference is you can walk through any forest you want without fear. I guess I’m the only one who wants to live life without fear. Why don’t we save the terrorists as well? I bet they are low in numbers.
These bastards even made life tough for our ancestors and they happily ate random humans who were merely having a peaceful stroll through the forest. But they never went around saying “Save the humans”. The goddamn motherfuckering tigers just chomped away; sinking their teeth into delicious human flesh. Now, that the tables have turned and they are less in numbers, they want our help? Fuck them. They never helped us so I’m not helping them. Frankly, if they were not flesh eaters I would tell them to kiss my hairy ass.
These guys aren’t smart either. If they were they wouldn’t end up getting killed. Look at these losers now; only 1411 left. I think we should just finish them off and get it over with. Why do these tigers deserve special attention? Do we have to save everyone that is too stupid to survive on his own? It’s a ‘man eat tiger’ world not a man-eating tiger’s world. Survival of the fittest… remember?
But then again, despite all this I’ve compiled a list of ways to save the tigers. No, it’s not out of strong public opinion or the fact that tigers may sue me for bad-mouthing and defamation. The reason is I’m doing this is simple. I don’t want another dumbass sending me a request to join the “Save the tigers” page on facebook.
The solution A.K.A how to save the tigers
The problem with the save the tiger campaign is that there is too much focus on creating awareness and too little on actually doing anything. This inevitability leads to newly born tigerphiles sending me requests and/ or updating their statuses to save the tiger. When I log into facebook the last thing I hope for is everyone changing their goddamn status to “Save the tigers”. How about changing it to ‘I want to fuck Leonardo Dapinchy brains out since his articles are so amazing’? That’s just a dream I guess.
If you really want to save the tigers what you need to focus on is ‘tiger sex’. Yes, that’s right. Tiger sex. We need tigers fucking because fucking leads to reproduction which leads to more tigers. Since everyone in India is too shy to say it, I’m gonna be coarse Leo. Now, the question is how do we get tigers to fuck? Don’t be stumped yours perversely has all the answers.
The ‘bad company’ method
Introduce a tiger to a bad company. By bad company I mean a group of tigers who don’t listen to their mothers, use foul language, smoke, drink, etc. Tigers just like humans once fallen into bad company will inevitably indulge in the good old pre-marital and causal sex. Since there is no moral policing within the tiger community this method is sure success.
The taboo method.
Step 1: Make sex a taboo among tigers.
Well that’s about it. Before you know it all these young teenage tigers will be humping in every possible location just to be rebellious. Movie theatres, rickshaws, classrooms, wherever you go you’ll see tigers fucking.
The ‘I just busted your bubble’ method.
Step 1: Sneak up behind a tiger.
Step 2: Slowly take his wallet out and find all his condoms inside them.
Step 3: Make holes in all his condoms. (If he has any, you may pocket his cash.)
Sounds pretty simple but you need two things for this – a pin and testicles filled with courage. If you are missing the later you may borrow mine.
The ‘bestiality porn’ method
Step 1: Find some good tiger porn.
Step 2: Gather all tigers you know.
Step 3: Screen it.
There is but one major flaw in this method as good tiger porn is hard to find because all tigers look the same and these bastards just have one position. No experimenting, no foreplay, no nothing!
The ‘too much alcohol’ method.
Step 1: Find a tigeress.
Step 2: Get her drunk.
Drunk tigeress, just like drunk females do a lot of stupid things which mostly include getting knocked up.
Once you have read and memorized these methods I suggest you go to your nearest sanctuary/ forest and use them to get your tigers to reproduce.