Definition: Human Resources (HR) are just pretty looking Interactive Voice Response (IVR) machines who use a fake accent to sound cool.
That’s all these guys are. If you’ve been to more than one interview and you’re observant enough, you’ll reach this conclusion. These guys have a fixed set of question to which they expect a fixed set of answers just like an IVR machine. Nothing out of the box. Nothing remotely intelligent. For the uninitiated here’s their question list:
- Can you tell me about yourself?
- Why do you want to join this company?
- What are your strengths?
- What are your weaknesses?
- Where do you see yourself five years from now?
If a HR asks anything other than these questions he/she has probably crossed his/her expiry date and needs replacement. In such a situation you need to do the following:
- Don’t panic.
- Slowly walk away
- Keep to your left.
- Inform the closest security guard. He’ll handle the issue.
Warning: Do not under any circumstance try to touch such a HR. He/she may be unstable and may explode.
Also, something they don’t realize is that their accent isn’t fooling anyone. Over the phone a HR can pull-off the ‘a sophisticated speaker of the English language from a foreign land’ facade but when face-to-face this doesn’t work. Face-to-face I can see that the HR is a brown, hairy (applies to both male and females) asshole like me.
What do they think? Do they think I’m going to be like, Oh! This guy looks like an Indian but his accent is like that of an American. Maybe, just maybe, he’s an American and there’s something wrong with my vision. I bet an American would want to work in a shitty company down in hot and humid India where even sweat pores get diarrhea. Fuck this shit! This is clearly an insult to my intellectual ability.
So, how about it? If you are an HR, can you drop the accent? Can you not act as a total asshole? Because you know if I wanted to listen to an American accent I would move to America.
PS: I spoke to a friend about how HRs are useless and they get paid for nothing. He starting menstruating since he was actually studying to be an HR and was paying fuck loads of cash for it. Who studies to be an HR? The curious Leo that I am I researched further on HRs and found out what they do. Here’s their job description.
- Ask the required 5 question in the same given order and listen to the 5 responses that you get.
- Use a fake accent.
- Use the bathroom for excretion activities.
- Make conversation near the water cooler.
- Sit on a chair.
- Fill forms.
- While using a computer sport a serious and confused look to trick people into believing that you are doing something important when you are actually playing Farmville.
- Call a technical guy to complain that you cannot connect to google, only to realize that typing www.google.com in notepad takes you nowhere.
To put all these HR aspirants out of their misery and save their precious cash, I’ve started a HR course at Big Fish School of Management. The best part is it’s free. Here’s the four step approach to being an HR.
- Take a print out of the above image.
- Enter your name.
- Tick all the boxes. If you miss even one you can’t be a HR and no company will hire you.
- Sign at the required place.
Tada! You are now a certified HR. You can join any company and start making money by doing nothing.
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Posts: 25
Reply #27 on : Mon March 15, 2010, 04:08:04