Interested in clearing HR interviews without being a total unimaginative prick? Your saviour is here! I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the best answers that will help you bag your dream job and I’m kind enough to let you read them for free. Remember use these only in interviews where you seriously want to get a job. Don’t waste them on some random shitty interview.
1. Can you tell me about yourself?
Ans. The piece of paper that you hold in your hand is called a résumé and in this case it’s my résumé. I was under the impression that someone hired to take my interview would have a skill-set that includes reading ability. Since, you are not able to read it I shall tell you about myself but there’s a catch.
Before I was born an angel appeared to my parents and told them that they would give birth to a prodigy, someone who’s perfect in everything. My parents were overjoyed. They informed everyone they knew. And then I was born.
When I was born they realized I was gifted with nothing. Inability to multiply without a calculator, inability to spell correctly, inability to speak more than one language and this was when I was 20 years old. Out of spite I took a vow. If I ever talk about myself to anyone, I’ll break into his house and eat everything he has kept in his refrigerator.
So, if I tell you about myself I’ll have to break into your house and empty your fridge. This may leave you on the brink of starvation. After which you won't give me this job, for obvious reasons. I mean who gives a job to someone who breaks into his house and eats everything stored in his fridge? I suggest it’s best if we ignore this question and move ahead as I really need this job to feed my family of one (just me).
2. Why do you want to join this company?
Ans. When I was a little boy I had a pet ostrich. Since I didn’t have any siblings he was my sole companion and at times I felt he had become my soul companion. We attended school together, went to the bathroom together, we were inseparable. Sometimes we went on long walks where we held hands and gazed into each others eyes. I even let him sleep on my bed. Finally when we had developed a relationship of trust and understanding I let him take my virginity.
Things were going really good and I was the happiest person on earth with the best ostrich a man could find for a spouse. Then one day I came in early from work and I saw my love in bed with an orangutan. I was heart-broken. This wasn’t a good looking orangutan either, just an average orangutan.
He told me it was a mistake. He apologized and begged for my forgiveness. He told me he was really drunk when it happened and he promised that it won’t happen again. But things had changed forever. When ever I looked at my love, my ostrich I could picture an average looking orangutan in bed with him. I left him and got a divorce.
Years later his health ran downhill. A common friend informed me he was on his death bed. I rushed to him. Tears flowing from my eyes, I reached his bedside. He said something and then his soul left his body. What he said sounded eerily similar to the name of this company. I think it was his last wish that I should work here. This is why I want to join this company.
2. What are your strengths?
Ans. Nothing. I was gifted with nothing. Why do you keep bringing this up?
3. What are your weaknesses?
Ans. Getting whacked in the balls. Once I’m whacked I’m powerless for a minimum duration of 5 minutes. Once I was about to defeat superman after an epic battle that lasted for 10 days and 14 nights. Just as I was about to pin him down he whacked me in the balls when the referee had his back turn. Kyptonian can’t play fair! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted an alien! I don’t think we need people like him on Earth. Earth is too crowded. Go back to Krypton, asshole. Wait you planet got destroyed. HAHAHA! You’ve no where to go.
On a side note, I can stand around 2 ball whacks. 3 ball whacks and I’m out.
5. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Ans. I’m afraid I can’t answer that because a long time ago, when I was having a casual conversation with a friend I remarked, looks like it’s going to rain tomorrow. When it didn’t rain the next day my friend was heart-broken. He felt I had lied to him. He then sued me for promising and not delivering. I lost a friend and a lot of money. I know we haven’t set foot on the journey that is friendship but I do see you a prospective friend. If we do end up becoming friends and then my 5 year prediction doesn’t come true, I don’t want to go through the pain of losing you. I hope you’ll understand.
There have also been unconfirmed rumours that many HRs compile the answers given to this question and turn it into a book. They sell it by the title, ‘The world 5 years from now’. Gullible losers buy it hoping to know what the future holds for them. I don’t want my work to be used for such an act. Maybe, if I’m paid 70% of the profit I’ll give it a thought.
PS: I'm single and ready to mingle. If you're hot and an ostrich, do mail me.