Trees suck. They remain in one place all the time and are not willing to show any sign of movements. Anything that remains in one position for a long time is up to something? I’ve no idea what it is, but it’s something sinister. Have you ever heard a tree say, ‘I wish I could go to Egypt to see the pyramids?’ NO! They don’t because these sick bastards are up to something. Countless amazing place in the world to see yet they’ll remain in one place plotting fuck knows what. If I were a fucking tree I would want to roam around the world and not remain in one spot like an emo douche bag. Fuck I would be the first tree in outer-space! I would even be the first tree on the moon. Move aside Neil Armstrong this is going to be a large step for tree-kind.
Nope but none of these trees have any ambitions, any aims, any goals. Instead these bastards take the most fertile spots. The land that has all the resources, they’ll take that, plant their fucking roots, suck as much as they can and grow into huge lumps of shit. How about giving that sweet spot up? Greedy bastards! Even I want to have a piece of that fertile soil. Trees are just like friends who take the window seat during a road trip and refuse to let go. And just like that annoying friend, trees deserve a punch to the nose and a kick to the balls. Wait, trees don’t have balls. Oh yeah, trees are ball less creatures. Now, they have fallen lower on my respect scale. They now share the spot with Shahrukh Khan, Shahid Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra.
I know this post will probably not go down well with you, but I’ll tell you something that will make you hate trees as I do. Have you ever wondered what killed the dinosaurs? Meteors? No. God? No. It was the trees. They killed the fucking dinosaurs and then they ruled over earth. And remember, just as George Orwell said, he who rules the world rules history, these bastards changed history and put themselves off as the good guys. They made themselves seem as the nice guys who just sit in one place with no malice in their hearts and doing nothing harmful. All fucking lies. Humans who evolved from apes conquered trees by climbing on top of them and now trees are plotting to take over the world from humans.
Trees have more lies. Some people love trees because they give them oxygen. They take carbon dioxide and convert it to oxygen which is essential to our existence. Oh! What a noble act! But did anyone read the fine print? They do this 'oxygen to carbon dioxide conversion' only during the day. Late at night when people are asleep they start consuming oxygen while laughing at having deceived the entire human race. Fuck you trees! There’s someone awake and he’s watching you. Yes, I see what you are doing and people will know about you.
And then there is the ‘trees bring rains’ part. LIES! What kind of a dumbass believes this shit? Trees don’t bring us rain, clouds do. The poor cloud carries water across several kilometers brining rain to people who are desperate enough to pray for it and who takes the fucking credit?… The motherfucking trees. What has a tree ever done that makes you believe that it brings rain? If sitting at one place for a long time brings rain then we should force all convicted felons to remain stationary. We might as well use them. This can be their contribution to society and me. These guys sitting and having free food while consuming my oxygen during both daytime and night-time. The least they can do is bringing me some rain.
For the moment I’ll believe the 'trees bring us rain' bullshit. If trees do bring us rain how come no one blames them for the floods? How come no one yells at them for their calculation errors? I was looking forward to rains not having to walk through waist deep water - that probably has the urine of multiple life-forms - with my underwear drenched. If trees bring rains, they should be blamed for floods as well. We need to stop taunting these government guys who are responsible for managing the drainage system and blaming them for the floods. These guys do nothing – nothing about the drainage system as well as nothing evil – and yet everyone yells at them when the trees miscalculate and bring us some fucked up floods instead of rains. Also, I think someone needs to tell these poor guys at weather predicting department that when they are predicting rains they need to check for tree density and not if there are any fucking clouds in the sky.
I know you guys must be convinced now. You’ll probably be thinking, “Holy shit Leo! You’re right! What do we do now? I’m scared.” Fear not, here’s Leo's two step method to prevent humans from being conquered by trees.
- Buy an axe.
- Chop a tree
That’s it. Do it now or forever be enslaved by the lies-spreading trees.
PS: For those who like trees because they give us shade, buy an umbrella or a cap. Cheap bastards want everything for free!
PPS: Hydrolysis of water produces oxygen. I don’t see anyone trying to protect it. Double standards?