Before you bad mouth someone, it’s suggested to walk in their proverbial shoes. Sadly, I don’t have a fetish for wearing shoes that belong to others. I make a decent living and I can afford my own footwear. I’m also more comfortable in poking fun at someone when I’m not wearing their shoes. I mean, how rude can you be? You take their shoes and you then make fun of them. Also, as shoe sizes differ the set of ‘people I would rip on’ would become the set of ‘people whose shoes would fit me’. So I decided to shatter their egos without having any information on them. This way I can be sure I’m lying. If you haven’t read the terms and conditions you may be unaware of the fact that everything on this site is a lie. A nice big fat fucking lie just like ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘justice will be served’.
Everyone who lies knows that lying is fun and creative. Also, to lie you need to be sure that there is no overlap between what you say and the truth. So I decided to check what wikipedia has to say about Sania and Shoaib.
When I entered their names in the search field I got the following warning message.
Danger: Reading information on Sania Mirza/ Shoaib Malik is a waste of your time. Do you really want to put yourself through this?
Below which there were two buttons, out of which one read, ‘Yes, I’m really wasted and I’ve nothing better to do with my life’ and the other read, ‘No. Thank you, for this warning. Now, I can do something productive with my life like checking the recent updates on www.bigfishmag.com.’ Since there weren’t any recent updates on www.bigfishmag.com I decided to continue with my wiking. To add more fun to this task I decided to rate them.
Let’s start with my findings on Sania.
The first thing I noticed was Sania’s wiki page said she turned pro around 2003. Whoa! Sania and pro in one sentence! Her skill level should be somewhere between that of a novice and that of an infant who has stopped wetting her bed. Maybe, pro is the short form for ‘imPROper’. For this I give her -150 points.
The second thing I noticed was, Mirza is the highest ranked female tennis player ever from India, with a career high ranking of 27 in singles. For your information, ‘the highest ranked female tennis player ever from India’ can be literally translated to the female tennis player from India who doesn’t suck as much as other female tennis players from India. Can somebody please tell her, being ‘the highest ranked female tennis player ever from India’ doesn’t change the fact that you are still mediocre? Another -150 points for this.
And how can anyone be happy with a career high of 27? I once got a ranking of 27 in kindergarten. It’s because I felt checking out the girl with the cute pigtails was much more important than writing alphabets and numbers. Like anyone is gonna use alphabets and numbers in the future? Survive and reproduce that’s what we are here for. I was surviving and I was keeping my eyes open for reproduction but kindergarten teachers don’t grade people on natural instincts. They pay much more emphasis on textual information written on papers. Thus, in the end I got slapped with a ranking of 27.
When my parents realized this, I had a foot shoved up my ass. The worst thing was it was my own foot which was shoved up my own ass. You know, because it would be really stupid to shove your foot up someone else’s ass. This left me with one smelly foot for a day, a sore asshole for a week, humiliation that lasted for a month but a lesson that would remain for a lifetime. Being ranked at 27 is nothing to be proud of. For this she gets -6384683 points.
Sania’s wiki page also says, ‘She is known for her powerful forehand ground strokes’. I’m really not sure about this but Shoaib Malik can shed some light on this topic post wedding night. Maybe, this is why he fell for her. Actually it should be rose for her but then I’m not getting into the bodily response that he has on viewing/ thinking/ of her. Since this is incomplete information I won’t give her any points for this. Leaving her with the not so grand total of -6384983 points
Now, moving on to Shoaib Malik. His wiki page seemed as a porn star’s résumé.
Malik is regarded as a flexible player. Flexibility is very important to reach different parts and leaves you open for experimentations else it’s like fucking a tree. I’ll give him 20 points for this.
He is capable of hitting big shots but is also capable of rotating the strike with good placement. Girls love the big shots and they also love it when they are allowed to take control. Some feministic bullshit. But as long as it’s getting you some action it’s good. Malik wins 10 more points for this.
He has a strike rate of 77.23 runs per 100 balls. Now, I think this guy is a monster. I was gifted with only two balls while this guy has more than 100. I tried to find his naked pics to verify this claim. Since I didn’t find one I decided to draw some conclusions by checking his groin region in his clothed pics that I found. Since the bulge developed looked like that of a normal guy there could be but two possibilities. Either he has a large number of small balls which together sum up to the size of two normal balls or he has a large number of normal sized detachable balls. He probably keeps the extra detached balls safely in a jar titled ‘Shoaib’s spare detachable balls’ in his apartment. This jar also has a warning, ‘keep away from the reach of children’ and also ‘I don’t touch your balls so please don’t touch mine’.
More information on his balls was found on another line. His most brazen display of "power hitting" came in 2003 against South Africa when he scored 82 from 41 balls. Clearly remarkable, not only did he indulge in a brazen display of power hitting against an entire country (South Africa) but he used only 41 of his balls. The fact that the number of balls is odd shows that at one point he indulged in power hitting with only one ball attached. His testicular contribution didn’t end there. Another line showcases the prowess of his family jewels. Pakistan's problems in finding a reliable opening pair have led to Malik being used as an opener in Test and ODI matches. Yeah baby! He has a reliable pair. Even if they won’t function he can probably replace them with the spare ones he has. He’s an asset to his team and country. I’ll give him 6384653 points for this.
During his Test career, Malik has batted at 5 different positions and he has the unusual record of batting at every position except 11th in ODIs. This speaks more praise about Shoaib. During the testing times of a marriage when your sex life loses spice as you realize you are doing the same thing with the same woman for a long time now, Malik is able to do it in 5 different positions. Thereby, though he may not know the atomic number of carbon he’s still capable of bringing the chemistry back into his married life. I know 5 is a small number but I think he’ll be able to master the remaining positions soon. His unusual record of batting at every position except 11th in ODI (One Day Intercourse) is quite impressive as well. I’ll give him 3 points for this. Thus, his grand total comes up to 6384983 points.
As 6384983 is the numeric opposite of -6384983 and as we know opposites attract, I guess this pair (not Shoaib’s nuts) was made in Heaven. It’s strange how pairs made in Heaven were separated by such a large distance on Earth. Shoddy work by you some mediocre angel, me thinks.
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Posts: 26
Reply #26 on : Fri April 09, 2010, 11:17:06