Things just seem to get worse. I had my phone stolen last night in a crowded train. This means, now, I have a miserable life, a shitty job and no phone. Thinking about this sneaky thief made my blood boil to the point that it turned into gas. In this gaseous state of rage and frustration I stayed up all night plotting revenge. The first part was finding potential suspects.

I contemplated the possibility of it being someone who holds a grudge against me because I wrote something about him online. I’ve recently offended the following:

1. Tigers
2. Trees
3. Shoaib and Sania
4. Priyanka Chopra

It’s definitely not tigers or trees since they’ve their own problems to worry about.

Maybe, it’s Shoaib Malik. He must have stolen my phone and would probably use it as a wedding gift.

Or it could be Priyanka Chopra. The train was filled with ugly looking, hairy, smelly men. She must have easily gotten camouflaged in this environment. Maybe, this is what she does when she’s not acting in shitty movies. She steals the cell phones of people who write sarcastic articles about her on the internet. Priyanka Chopra – shitty actress by day, a vengeful thief in a crowded male compartment by night.

Then, I realized that no one reads this site. So, no one will be offended. Also, no one knows me in real life. Hence, I don’t think it could be any of these guys.

This was just a random, lowly thief. Lowly since the cell-phone in my possession was a Nokia 1100. For those unaware, it’s a cheap phone. If I stole a Nokia 1100, I would give it back and then demanded a compensation for having my time wasted. If I’m going to steal something it better be above Rs. 20,000 else I'll insult you and look down on you. You know why?... Because I’m a thief with standards. A thief who steals a Nokia 1100 has no standard. He’s gonna remain a lowly thief forever.

Also, as the phone was located in my side pant’s pocket this guy while retrieving it came really close to junior Leo and family… and I guess even touched it. Life’s really cruel! It normally takes a guy over a year of dating and another decade of coaxing to finally reach third base. On the other hand, this guy get to reach third base with me without:

1. knowing me,
2. asking me out,
3. taking me to a fancy restaurant,
4. looking into my eyes,
5. staying up late while talking to me over the phone about absolutely nothing,



6. flattering me,
7. buying me flowers,



8. watching a movie with me while holding my hands,
9. being a shoulder I could cry on or
10. answering all my goddamn calls

Nothing! He does absolutely nothing. He just stands next to me for a few minutes, reaches third base which he doesn’t deserve and steals my phone along with it. Man! I hate this guy on so many levels! This asshole thinks he’ll get away with it because he stole something of little value. What he doesn’t realize is he stole my phone.

Here’s my plot for revenge:

I’m going to hunt this motherfucker down. Once I find his place of residence, I’ll wait for him to leave. Then, I’ll break in, find his wife and just sit there while looking in the opposite direction. She’ll be yelling, “Who are you? What are you doing here?” I’ll just sit there, completely ignoring her, acting as if everything is normal. Maybe, I’ll sing a song or two. If she tries to come in front of me, I’ll turn around. After around 10-15 mins, I’ll get up and casually walk out while I let out a smelly fart.

She’ll call her husband and narrate this incident. He’ll think she’s crazy because no one would break into someone’s house to ignore a woman or to fart. He’ll put her in a mental asylum.

Then, I'll go after his children. I’ll stalk them and whenever they purchase an ice-cream, I’ll swoop in and steal it. It’s easy and it’s fun! This will leave the thief all heart-broken since he’ll now be without a wife and his children will be without ice-cream. He’ll realize that despite the Rs. 500 he made by stealing my phone, he’s not happy in life. While he cries like a girl, I’ll sneak in and steal my phone... without touching junior thief and family.

Write a comment

Mayank
Posts: 62

Re: I Won’t Let You Get Away With Stealing My Phone
Reply #63 on : Fri April 16, 2010, 09:40:44

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Back in form Leo ! Awesum imagination dude.. And u knw wht? I hope its that damn Malik. Then sania baby cn kick hs balls n we cn add this to the long list " Instances when India kicked Pak's god-damned balls" .

Kartik
Posts: 62

Re: I Won’t Let You Get Away With Stealing My Phone
Reply #62 on : Fri April 16, 2010, 09:47:10

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Dude... totally awesome!! I too hate them goddamn smelly thieves. I suggest you put a electro-shock-trap-thingamig next to junior Leo, so that he'll get quite a .. err .. shock when he tries that again!

mohit
Posts: 62

Re: I Won’t Let You Get Away With Stealing My Phone
Reply #61 on : Fri April 16, 2010, 13:57:43

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that shows u r really a gay

Last Edit: April 19, 2010, 12:16:22 by leo  

Anupam
Posts: 62

Re: I Won’t Let You Get Away With Stealing My Phone
Reply #60 on : Fri April 16, 2010, 21:21:07

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LMAO

Leo
Posts: 62

Re: I Won’t Let You Get Away With Stealing My Phone
Reply #59 on : Fri April 16, 2010, 22:42:02

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@ Mayank

I think I was always in form. I guess we should leave Pakistan alone. We've already done them much harm by sending Sania over.

@ Kartik

I prefer to keep electricity producing objects as far away as possible from junior Leo. Same applied for sharp objects. By the way, I just realized that this is a conversation about a penis between two grown-up men who have never met each other.

@ Mohit

You lucky bastard! You're gonna feature in my next negative comment post. Thanks for the stupidity.

@ Anupam

I can't say much to that comment. But I've recently become quite a huge fan of LMAO. Thanks for the comment ^_^