A political party recently released its election manifesto which included a promise to ban English and Computers once it assumed power.
As a responsible citizen of the country I googled the key words “Problems in India” to know the major grievances besieging our nation. Below is the screenshot of the results.
Yes, I know it’s shocking! From the image it is clearly visible that ‘Computers and English’ are the major problems affecting our country and not the much publicized ‘corruption, crime, terrorism, caste difference, religious intolerance, etc.’
Let’s get to the root of the English issue first.
This entire English problem started because of the Englishmen (Stating the obvious, I know). They came to our beloved country and stole everything they could. In exchange they gave us one extra language and one extra God. Like we really needed another God! The analogy in this case would be: going to China and offering them a billion people in lieu of wealth, minerals…definitely not the deal of the century! We got robbed and Indians started to realize it. This is what the to-be “father of the nation” said.
The word spread around and the freedom struggle intensified. They united to fight for freedom – freedom later robbed only by their own fellow men, but that’s a different issue altogether. We got rid of the Englishmen but we couldn’t get rid of their evil language - English.
If you are still not convinced about the need to eradicate English from out country I’ll list the various advantages of it.
1. Movies: Banning the English language would imply an automatic ban on English movies. Our home grown breed of ‘Creative Directors’ will no longer be “inspired” by them which would provide an impetus to originality. We’ll have more movies like Rab Ne Baniye Jodi. Did I say movies? I meant more shitty movies. People will stop going to theatres. This could only lead to more savings during such economically stressed times.
2. Call-Centers: No English, no call-centers, no more listening to some old schoolmate who used to fail in English tell you that you are not pronouncing his name right. “It’s Kharishma.. Kha… not Karishma…”… How about K..k..kiss my ass bitch!
3. Emigration: No more shall you go to UK/ USA for jobs. No more shall you live with the guilt that you are stealing their jobs. No more shall you be treated as second grade citizens in a foreign country and no more shall you be subjected to racism. You’ll have to deal with caste, religion, language and other stuff in your own country, but that’s ok since your own people are doing it to you.
4. Education: One entire subject gone! Woo hoo! Also since Isaac Newton (The apple boy) was an Englishman we’ll have to discard all his theories. So no more Physics and Mechanics to learn.
Now, computers being as evil as the foreign language need to be shunned as well. I know you won’t agree with me so here’s some proof to prove my point.
From the above pic it is evident that Ajmal Kasab was a Mario fan. The game influenced him so much that he had to go and recue his princess. Hence he ended up in The Taj which he thought was a castle. He then proceeded to shoot people thinking they were turtles and dragons. Sadly, the only thing he got in return was “Sorry Kasab your princess isn’t in this castle”. If it wasn’t for Mario maybe Kasab would have just been a normal boy.
Gaming isn’t the only evil thing about computers. There is also the evil Internet. Previously the masses relied on News Bulletins by DD and other Govt. run media sources for their daily dose of information. Then along came the internet with tons and tons of information about everything under the sun and made it available at the click of a button. Our Ministers need some privacy, don’t they? Banning the computers would mean that once again the Ministers can have a free ride with no public forum to evaluate their policies. But hey, at least the junta ka rakhwala can sleep peacefully!
Since computers have been an integral part of almost everything it will be hard to flush it out. Fear not I have a plan!
One of the basic functions of computers is to store large amounts of data. What we can do is have one person remember one MB of data. So instead of a 500 GB Hard Disk, we’ll have 500*1024 working Indians. This data has to be backed up as well. So technically we’ll have 2*500*1024 (=10,24,000) working Indians instead of one 500 GB hard disk! If this doesn’t get us out of recession nothing can. To manage the processing part of computers we’ll have to clone Shakuntala “The Human Computer” Devi.
Thus as you can see, with English and computers banned, we’ll finally become the country people like Bhagat Singh, Mahatma Gandhi had envisioned and sacrificed their lives for.
But still, the major issue is “How the fuck will you read this article”? I’ll let you figure that out.
PS: Vote carefully!
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Posts: 3
Reply #4 on : Fri August 14, 2009, 06:09:08