Being a blogger is a tough job. Here are the requirements:
- Access to the internet.
- A computer.
- Remaining alive.
Due to the stringent requirements and the strenuous effort required in overcoming them, almost every one is a blogger. What I’m going to do is classify them. Though bloggers come under one major category viz. losers, I’ve realized that you can classify them further. Here’s the first post of the series, unimaginatively titled:
Blog: A Blogger’s Journey - The Angry Young Blogger
You start every post with, ‘I hate ___________’. If you are confused about what you want to hate, don’t worry there’s plenty to choose from! You can hate women who wear red scarves, gonorrhea, Nigerians who laugh after farting, etc but your best bet is to stick to popular topics. What you can do is –
- pick up a newspaper,
- see the top headline,
- pick up a noun and
- you are ready to go.
Here are a few examples, I hate Sania Mirza, I hate Lalit Modi, I hate India’s peace attempt with Pakistan. Get the drift? A word of warning, if you see a headline such as ‘26 killed in a fire at xyz pub’. Don’t write a post titled ‘I hate fire at xyz pub’. Everyone will realize that you’re a dumbass. People will realize that sooner or later. Try to keep it later… delay it as much as you can.
After you’ve picked a topic, mention how you are pissed off, angry, frustrated and enraged because of that topic. Emphasize how you’ve been ejaculating 3 liters of blood every passing second because the topic somehow affects you. Remember everything affects you! Also, include around 20 ‘dumbfucks’, 800 ‘motherfuckers’, 5 million ‘assholes’ and 90 zillion ‘fucks’ in your post.
Now, most people will think that you’ve it tough and are very negative. You were probably disowned at birth, were ill-treated at the orphanage you stayed in, following which you ran away were accosted by a pack of rabid wolves who took turns in anal raping you.
Or maybe they’ll think you were jobless for two years, couldn’t manage to bag a single job in the one profession you love while everyone else who was in it for the money was employed, you then started working in a call centre with colleagues who aren’t capable of spotting USA on a world map and earning half their salary with the only rewards being a pat on the back and more work in the meanwhile your plans for further education decrease with each passing day as you don’t get a single admit and you try to hold back your tears while you write 700 word articles that prevent you from turning insane because you slowly realize that your life is turning into a fucked up mess.
This maybe no where close to the truth but who cares. Remember, no one has a life more fucked than yours. NO ONE!
Other mandatory acts are sentences such as he next person who says __________ will have his face stomped, asshole whipped, legs broken’ or if you are really imaginative you can say the following ‘I’ll shove the skeleton of a T-rex up your anus so that it’ll completely clog your shit-hole and justify why you always shit out of your mouth’.
PS: When you title a post I hate people don’t reply to the first comment praising you with a ‘thank you, I appreciate that’. It’s inherently hypocrisy.
PPS: This post maybe considered cannibalistic since I’m chomping on my own species but since I don’t owe any of you fuckers anything, choke on it.
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Posts: 33
Reply #38 on : Mon May 03, 2010, 01:55:12