Every since the court found Kasab guilty, the general public opinion has been “Death Penalty”. This makes me sad as I’m brought back to the harsh reality that I’m surrounded by an uncreative, imagination lacking, vengeful herd. Death penalty is boring! It is clichéd and it’s been done to death.
Giving him the death penalty means that we are giving him the gate-pass to those elusive 72 virgins that he was promised. Now, he did botch up his mission by not getting killed but I think he may still end up with around 28-33 virgins… or maybe 40 virgins tops.
I agree that the gender, age, and species of these promised virgins is dubious so he might probably end up with old, saggy, granny virgins, or hairy, virile, male virgins or razor-sharp toothed, famished, shark virgins or if really unlucky, a carefully chosen and finely blended mixture of the aforementioned three with reptiles, birds, pterodactyls and maybe a boa constrictor… hand picked by the Lord Almighty. His expression at that moment would be priceless but this virgin business has quite a large gray area. Speaking for myself, I don’t wish to take a risk lest he end up with a pack of young, buxom, clean shaven, blond virgins in heat with whom he shall have ever-lasting bliss… or maybe 5 minutes bliss while angels play the harp.
I can’t let this happen. So instead of killing him, here’s my plan of vengeance.
Inter-species breeding: Have you ever wondered what would the reproduction of a man and another random species produce? Well, I’ve. With the ‘one day per week chicken biryani eating’ Kasab I can finally have my dream come through.
These are a few experimental ideas I’ve come up with:
Experiment 1
The amoeba was first discovered by August Johann Rösel von Rosenhof in 1757 and I’ve been a fan of it ever since. I’ve always been fascinated by these shapeless, formless, unicellular creatures and an addition of Kasab’s head on it would make this an epic win. While an amoeba’s most recognizable features include one or more nuclei and a simple contractile vacuole to maintain osmotic equilibrium, Kasoeba most recognizable features will be the Kasab head.
Kasoeba can be the best spy ever. You can send him to the residences of allegedly venal politicians, corrupt police officers, donation demanding school principals or maybe even the ladies restroom with a video camera and get a HQ DVD-rip. No one will ever know!
There are a few downfalls that Kasoeba may face. Since he’s limbless he won’t be able to comb his hair and will constantly look like an unkempt bum… under the microscope that is. Also, there is a high possibility that someone may stamp the shit out of him. In that case we can just produce another one.
Experiment 2
Have you ever wondered if cows get sexually aroused when a rough-handed, tall, dark and handsome milkman tugs on her nipples to extract milk? Well, I’ve. And Cowsab will solve this mystery for me.
Experiment 3
Alright, confession time! I’m a Chetan Bhagat fan. I loved five point someone despite the simple writing and bad grammar. But Bhagat started packaging the same stuff again and again with the names changed and a few plot differences making things predictable*. Kagat will be the ultimate solution to problem. Add that simple writing style + bad grammar of Bhagat with around 49 tablespoons of Kasab and you’ll have a novel with so many plot twists you won’t know what hit you. It could be a novel of engineers who later on deny that they are engineers but instead are Punjabi aunties working in a domestic call centre in Gujarat.
Experiment 4
This can be considered as an image makeover… a good one. The much awaited breakthrough in fashion! This will be the rage we can have Kastrina, Kalpa, Kreity and a whole lot more. Yaaaaaaaay!
Experiment 5
By mixing Kasab with only one species at a time, I realized that I was limiting the creative potential of this experiment. This led to the Eureka moment. The universe was destroyed and recreated 4 times in the making of the following species which I call KasOebaPakiLogger
KasOebaPakiLogger will create the best Pakistani blog ever... by an amoeba. It’ll be called ‘The secret journal of an ordinary man with a demented mind about life an its irritations caused by satirical news created one stick figure at a time’. It’ll be Pakistan’s best entertainment site. The young, confused, misguided youth will finally have something to keep them occupied so that they don’t come to India and fill up our prisons and newspapers.
PS: A random Chetan Bhagat cheapshot.
*The Chetan Bhagat plot generator.
PPS: This may interest you - Anticipating a Long Trial, Captured Terrorist Ajmal Amir Kasab Applies for Indian Citizenship.
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Posts: 70
Reply #76 on : Thu May 06, 2010, 01:24:27