Remember the last time you were out, hanging out with a group of pals at a nice place. Everything was perfect: the music, the people, the chicks, everything. You started to believe this was going to be a night to remember. Just then, this obnoxious little dickweed (or two, or many) enters (or enter) your line of sight, in all his/their loud, annoying and attention seeking glory.
You try to divert your attention towards the good things, but it is already too late. His/their generally annoying aura constantly lingers in the background of everything you try to divert your attention towards. The voice gets louder in your head with every passing moment. You cannot take their presence anymore. Your perfect night has been effectively ruined!
This post is about these dickweeds.
In my personal experience, I have been accosted by someone who insisted I know his GRE score, list of colleges applied to, and dad’s profession in the midst of *gasp now* an Iron Maiden concert. Then I encountered a bunch of rich South Bombay showoffs in their expensive original shirts, constantly screaming ‘ManYoo Rocks’ and ‘Go Rooney’, when Man United was 2-0 down and Rooney had been substituted at half time. Then some annoying hardcore mosh pit maniacs, who insisted on pushing me at periodic intervals while I was busy grooving to *gasp again*Junkyard Groove at a concert. I am also sure everyone has encountered these Jockish duschebags who handle ‘security’ at inter-college festivals like Malhar, who are stupider than Mariah Carey on acid, but like to milk their two days of glory by keeping people waiting as they sit around holding hands and discussing cooking recipes. I pity the girls who sleep with these motherfuckers.
But these assholes are extrinsic and you have no control over their annoyance. The worst is when your own friends or acquaintances, who are the last ones you suspect, start behaving like their voodoo dolls have been injected with horse shit. At a party recently, when it seemed like I was in for a good time, two people I know for a while now, and have been wasted with, started behaving like juvenile delinquents trying too hard to get laid. I slit their throats, right after I abused them and went off to sleep. I also have a friend who keeps chatting with dumb, young and nubile chicks on facebook whilst the others are drinking.
What I have now concluded is that every time you go out in our country, you are bound to encounter these cunts. And as you can see, I am experienced enough in this sphere to suggest some pest control measures. Thereby, I take it upon myself to classify these pests and suggest ways to get rid of them.
Type 1- The Horny pigs: These are the people trying too hard to attract female and/or male attention. These adrenaline/estrogen fueled cunts are the loudest and most annoying of em’ all and flaunt everything they own or don’t own to get laid.
Rasool’s novel solution:
Ingredients: A person of the opposite sex, gloves, 200% Concentrated Sulphuric acid, vacant room, a camera.
Procedure: Ask person of opposite sex to seduce subject and invite him/her to a vacant room. Once there, some more seduction to make him/her drop their clothes, which will not require more effort than the three magic words, “I want Sex”. Once subject is naked, switch off the lights, wear gloves and rub their genitals with Conc. Sulphuric acid. Subject has most probably never had sex before and will pretend to enjoy the feeling for the first 10 odd seconds. Use these 10 seconds to tie him up under the guise of BDSM. Now watch him scream in part mirth, part pain as his genitals melt away before his eyes. Record the scene, upload on youtube and share this with your friends. Better still, Take a picture of him in his state, and print it out on a T-shirt to give away to all your friends as they leave your party. Tell them the picture is of a rare breed of monkey.
Type 2- The cool ones: These guys like to sit around at parties and respond to queries and ice breakers with cold stares and monosyllabic replies. They think they are better looking and cultured than the rest of the crowd, and their attempt is to cover up their own insecurities, and emit vibes of exclusivity and superiority.
Rasool’s novel solution:
Ingredients: Pictures of fresh turds, Person of the opposite sex, A Polaroid camera.
Procedure: Ask person of opposite sex to cozy up to subject with the camera, and tell subject he/she would like a solo picture of him/her as the presence of anyone else in the frame would spoil the picture. As subject obliges, click and replace the picture with the pictures of fresh turds. Refuse to show subject the pictures, whilst continuously repeating,”I think I messed up the flash/zoom/ focus just a little.” Take 12 of his/her pictures in myriad Bollywoodish poses, and then show them all the turd pics. Casually tell em’ to put these pictures up on facebook as their display pic and tell em’ they’ve never looked better. Ask him/her for skin and diet tips. If you are still alive, upload turd pics on facebook and tag subject.
Type 3: The socialites: These bimbos, with IQs lesser than that of rotten orange peels, are all over the place, air kissing and small talking their way to riches. They think they are the ultimate authority on everything and drop their unwarranted and misplaced opinions on anything and everything under the sun. They are usually sleeping with, or related to the host.
Rasool’s novel solution:
Invite people of Type-1 and Type-2 to their parties and DO NOT use Rasool’s novel solutions on them. Watch gleefully as Subject Type-3 tries to impale self with a kitchen fork. Video tape and share.
Start with sanitizing your party of these three deadly types. More party pest removal solutions shall be advised on demand, and for a nominal fee.
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Posts: 61
Reply #39 on : Thu May 20, 2010, 07:06:50