“It’s about time I put the nasty back in dynasty” – Rahul Gandhi
It’s my birthday today. I’m not expecting any presents. If I wanted anything I would just walk in and take it. Just like I walk into an unsuspecting Dalit’s house totally unannounced and have lunch with him. Officially my favorite pastime! Few others have tried it but they got arrested for burglary. I’m the most popular uninvited and annoying guest you could have because I can drop in just about anytime but what you gonna do about it? If you are a poor Dalit, BAM! I'll be there for you... just like in that F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song. I may your only chance to have a footlong Subway sandwich but instead of getting you any food let alone a Cadbury éclairs, I’d rather have some of your poor man’s food. You may hardly have any food to eat yourself but you better share some with me. I need it to flush down that expensive and delicious breakfast that I had this morning. Since I’ve never eaten anything that tastes bad I don’t know how good my food tastes. The first time I tasted some of that poor man’s food I thought, “Boy! This sucks. Glad I don’t have to eat this all my life.” I got bored and slept on his cot using his old blanket. I needed to cover myself up, because if mosquitoes drank my part Nehru, part Italian blood they’ll choke on awesomeness. The poor guy stayed awake all night because he didn’t have another cot, blanket and he was still hungry but I think he’s used to it.
Some people ask me ‘why don’t you randomly go to some poor Brahmin’s house?’ That’s because I’m vehemently opposed to the entire caste bullshit, Mr. Dumbass! The caste system is dumb. I mean it’s ridiculous to expect someone should do something just because he was born in a particular family. But do vote for me when I stand for an election since I’m the only good-looking and handsome Gandhi around. Then again, the only competition I have is this cousin, Varun, who is more like a balloon with a face. It’s like he evolved from a balloon unlike primates like the rest of us. If politics had a Tushar Kapoor Varun would win the title hands and double chin down. Why would anyone vote for that loser anyways? What are his achievements? Being born to Sanjay Gandhi? Big deal! And he got only far enough to being called anti-Muslim. I was branded as anti-Muslim and anti-Hindu at the same time by BJP. Congratulations Varun, you suck! I just clotheslined your ass.
I don’t really blame him. What can you expect from someone who’s 30 years old? 40 (that’s my age) is the new 21 and 30 is the new 12 I learnt this sort of mathematics in those expensive overseas schools that my parents had money to send me to. I’m fun and I’m the only young politician around. Have you seen those two old manoos men who are parading around as the young generation? One is 42 and the other is 49. You call that young? I’ve seen dinosaurs younger than those guys. And boy did I own those two when I went to Bombay. Ouch! Does that hurt? Me calling it Bombay? Too bad you can’t even step on a strand of my hair because you are too busy picking on defenseless bhaiyyas sleeping on footpaths. I came, I saw and I rode your local trains, first fucking class with the mere mortals. This was so incredible my TRP grew a boner. I know it must have been quite a discomfort for those blokes who were trying to get to work because along with me there were a dozen bodyguards and cameramen. Guess what? I made traveling in those overcrowded trains tougher! It’s not possible to make life easy for others despite being a member of the political party in power so what I do is I show that I can suffer once in a while with you guys. This was the whole idea behind the austerity drive. When shit hit the fan and we knew we could do anything to make it better the only smart move we could come up with was spending less. How do I get all these kickass ideas? I guess all that foreign education finally paid off.
PS: You are still going to vote for me.
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Posts: 14
Reply #17 on : Sat June 19, 2010, 09:24:15