Note: If you missed it, everyone was banned from this site for a day. The only thing visible was this article. Obviously the ban has been lifted now. You can thank me later for being the benovolent humorist that I am.
If you are a regular to this site you must be wondering – “What the fuck is going on?” If you are not a regular to this site, firstly, fuck you and secondly, if you are curious, read on. I’m Leonardo DaPinchy, I’ve taken over this site and I’ve done what many others should have done a long time ago – ban everyone from the internet for being assholes.
BUT LEO IM NOT AN ASSHOLE WHY BAN ME
It’s sentences like those that make my testicles cringe. And if you are a male you’ll understand that testicle cringing or any verb, other than hanging, that succeeds ‘testicles’ leads to quite an unpleasant feeling. First of all, you see that ‘Caps Lock’ key of yours? Turn it off permanently. Secondly, throw your PC away.
Getting back to the banning, it’s because of the following set of people that the ban was imposed but to be on a safer side I decided to ban everyone.
People who use the term “offline world”: There’s the ‘online world’ and then there’s ‘world’. There is nothing called the ‘offline world’. ‘Hey Leo, let’s meet in the offline world’. Hey asshole, let’s get you a vasectomy. Stop adding adjectives for no reason. Hearing the term creates a feeling that involves sawing off of limbs and using the sawed off limbs as weapons. It’s these people who are mostly a part of – People who wish “Happy Birthday” online.
People who wish “Happy Birthday” online: You could wear a T-shirt that says, “Look at me! I’m a cheapstake!” or you could wish your friend “Happy Birthday” online. If it’s your friends birthday here’s what you do.
- Pick up a phone.
- Dial his number.
- Wish him.
What kind of cold-hearted, Rupee. 1 saving asshole can’t call his friend on his birthday? Next time someone wishes me online, I’m stealing all his underwear. If you wish me online, I can’t let you wear underwear. This will solve another problem plaguing the world – people flaunting their underwear by wearing low waist jeans. What makes these bipedal retards think that anybody wants to see their underwear? If you are that desperate to show it off, wear it outside. How did this trend catch on? What next? Low waist underwear? Anyways, like I was saying, I’m going to steal underwear so the next time these guys wear low waist jeans their butt crack will be visible. I know you must be wondering why I would have butt cracks being flashed rather than underwear. Here’s something you don’t know - Once you’ve seen a guy’s butt crack, you can’t be friends with him. Every time you look at him you think BUTT CRACK. Your friend is forever replaced by a butt crack and nothing can change that… nothing.
People with “unclear status messages”: Everyone has come across someone with a status message such as ‘I don’t believe this happened’, ‘My life is ruined’, ‘I feel like crying’, etc. It can be taken for granted that people who post such messages possess a vagina. I understand that woman are dumb but once in a while can’t they be a little coherent? After they babble out these vague sentences they wonder why no one understands them.
When you comment below such a status with ‘Hey, what happened?’, the usual reply is ‘Oh! Nothing! It’s not meant for you’. WHO IS IT FOR THEN? WHO? Why can’t you inform that person directly? I’m curious now and it’s your fault. Who’s going to satisfy my curiosity? After this there will be a female who’ll comment, ‘Hey baby, pick up the phone! I’m calling you NOW!’ Thanks, for giving her a head start, bitch. Now, she can cling to her phone waiting in hopes that she doesn’t miss your important consolation call. I bet she would have missed your call since cell phones don’t produce any sound and/or vibrate on an incoming call. And thank you for letting everyone know that you are such a caring friend.
The next stupid thing women do is, post a status on the lines of “How could you do this to me? I hate you now. Yes, I’m talking about you.” This symbolizes the typical women behavior of masturbating around the bush and refusing to come to the point. What I usually do, in this case, is ask all our common friends to comment, “Are you talking about me?” After 5 comments she’s bound to delete it. Or if you have a lot of spare time, create a poll like the one below.
Who does <insert dumbass girl’s name> hate?
- Nobody
- Gives
- A
- Damn
You may lose her as a friend but it’s worth it.
Men (for the lack of a better word) aren’t behind in this bullshit. You’ll come across a guy who’ll post a message “I want to kill myself”. At this point of time, I post a status messaging stating, “<insert emo fags name> wants to kill himself. Comments and suggestions are welcome. Those generous enough can also help physically.” Want to kill yourself, I'm always there to give you a helping hand and a rope. The whole suicide thing is overrated and is usually related to a girl. Top reasons to kills you self in India.
- Can’t get a girlfriend
- Girlfriend left you and you can’t get another girlfriend
There is a simple solution to this problem – Masturbation. Your hand doesn’t have mood swings, periods, pregnancy issues and doesn’t require attention 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. But it’s better to wash it once in a while.
Finally, people who rant about other people posting status messages on popular topics. For example, since the world cup is on, you’ll see one of these ‘badasses’ - who on a regular basis post pointless status messages - coming up with something on the lines of, “What’s with everyone and the football updates? Fuck, I can’t wait till the football season is over! You support Brazil? Just to let you know Brazil doesn’t give a fuck!” What I don’t understand is if this is so much of a bother why can’t they just click on the hide button on the left?
People who have a “Listening to _________ song” on their chat: Oh you are listening to Metallica - Master of Puppets? Guess what? It doesn’t matter.
People who say “Follow me on twitter and I’ll follow you back”: Die already!
There are more groups of dumbasses because of which this ban was imposed but I can’t go on. Speaking of banning, alcohol consumption has been banned in Gujarat since 1961 as homage to M.K. Gandhi. If you kept 1000 cows in a feild for 10 days, the amount of bullshit produced would be lesser than that in the previous sentence. M.K. Gandhi has always been an icon of freedom. About 14 years after we achieved Independence you take away the right to drink as homage to a freedom fighter? What next? Gujarat establishes a colonial British rule as homage to M.K. Gandhi.
I don’t see how Gujarat can get away with such a ban in a liberal world. If we can’t drink what do you expect us to do after we are done with our examination? Or after a week of slogging our ass off at work? Sit and have a good time with family? Bullshit! I wanna get drunk! I'm not letting Gujarat get away with it and I'm banning it from this site as homage to George Carlin.
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Posts: 15
Reply #16 on : Sat July 03, 2010, 06:12:18