Honestly, I would prefer to personally send each of you 'future of the nation' teenagers across India a letter but I don’t think you’ll be able to understand this thing known as a sentence. Paragraphs are completely out of the question. I’ve been watching you and I’ve realized that you’re the stupidest thing that has walked on two legs since pigeons. (And pigeons are really stupid. What kind of an aerial creature gets run over by a car?) Which is why, I don’t really understand why you get so angry when I call you retarded. Have you ever stopped to think about the things you do?

For example, your blatant disregard for your life? Do you really need to cross railway tracks? Do you know how annoying it is to listen to some female, whenever I’m at a railway platform, telling me everyday over a microphone, “Crossing the railway tracks can be dangerous to life”? Every time I hear that I feel like it’s a slap to my intelligence. It’s so annoying that I’m really planning to relocate to the Himalayas. I’d rather deal with lack of oxygen than you. Seriously, you don’t need to have a dual Masters in physics and mathematics to figure out that you do not walk on the path of metal moving at 70 km/hr? If it weren’t for grown-ups you guys wouldn’t survive on your own.

And then there are some of you who refuse to wear helmets or seatbelts. You may have not heard this but, helmets and seatbelts save lives! This is why those assholes (traffic policemen) ensure that you wear them and fine you otherwise. But you still won’t listen. So from now on there shall be no more fines. The next time you die in an accident, I’M BANGING YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And I’ll do a horrible job at that. It’ll be really awkward and sloppy and I’ll make sure that she won’t enjoy it. I’ll blame everything on her and she’ll be heartbroken. You’ll be dead, so you won’t be able to console her. Hahaha. Think about it. Do you really want to die in an accident now?

track cross railway warning signs

Secondly, what’s with your fashion (I’m using this term as loosely as possible)? What makes you think that red and orange are permissible colors for pants? What makes you think an orange pant goes with a red shirt and vice versa? Why so much yellow? You’re not a firefly. You’re not the sun. I came, I saw you and I suffered from partial blindness for a week. For the love of God, DON’T GO AROUND BLINDING PEOPLE.

And then there is the short shirt. If you plan to wear a shirt that reaches just below your belly button you better stay at home. And while you are at home, I think it’s about time you start searching the internet for the nearest castration clinic because procreation is not for you. What’s with the flowery prints on T-shirts and Jeans? Unless you’re a garden or a nursery, stay the fuck away from flowers. It’s not cool. Chicks dig flowers when they are in a bouquet or on their panties and panties are exactly what you T-shirts looks like. You’ve single handedly given poor people a superiority complex. Seriously, I’ve seen bums dress better.

And finally, there is Garba/Dandiya. I don’t understand what the difference between them is. Not that I care. I do know either one of them or both keep me awake for approximately 10 days because post 11 PM loud music ban does not apply for a festival of the majority. But what’s really bothering me is – How does a loosely choreographed, repetitive dance involving sticks or clapping lead to sex? Where’s the aphrodisiac? What’s turning these females on? Are women just desperate to get out of their clothing which probably is heavier than a blue whale and strangely sex seems to be the only viable option? Why do so many girls get accidentally pregnant? There are two simple ways to not get pregnant – a. use contraceptives b. don’t fuck. You’ve to be really stupid to get accidentally pregnant. Look at me, I’m 23 years old and I’ve never been pregnant.

But then again why are you in general dancing? Is it because of phrases such as ‘dance as though no one’s watching’ that causes you to take place in the tragedy known as dancing? Why do you think you can do a half assed job because no one is looking? What next? Develop an operating system as though no one is going to use it? Build a bridge as though it won’t matter if it collapses and kills a few hundred? Can’t dance? Don’t dance because I’m looking, I’m judging, I’m pointing and I’m laughing. You thought you could get away with it? You can’t. I’m going to attend every wedding and I’m going to make all you pseudo dancers uncomfortable. I’ve had it with you dipshits bobbing up and down, waving you hands as if you’ve had ice cubes shoved down your underwear, trying to impress some dumbass girl. If a girl falls for that who knows she may nearly get an orgasm from watching a guy get a mild shock. Any girl that finds that ‘cute’ is not worth knowing let alone being friends with. Speaking of friends I don’t have any. Fuck everyone.

PS: Though this letter is for teenagers, I’m benevolent enough to extent the age limit to 120 years since many of you are still a child at mind.

teenager stupid pigeon