I’ve constantly read the line, “Save water! Bathe with your neighbor’s daughter!” After reading it for more than a few times I did what every sane man does when he reads online advice… gave it a try.
Since the last few months, I’ve been barging into the bathrooms of people who use this line to bathe with their daughters – only the ones above 18 and hot (I’m sorry but I’m not bathing with your ugly ass daughter). I’ve observed that not much of water saving takes places as she usually tries to flee the bathroom dropping about a bucket or two of water which was supposed to be saved. And she is usually screeching at the top of her voice trying her best to give my ear drums a cold and cruel death. But since I’ve taken the time and effort to break into the bathroom I take a bath with half the water I require being the nature lover that I am and I use her soap to clean my private and public parts, out of spite… and leave before the cops shows up.
After this happened a few times, instead of their daughters, I decided to bathe with the people who use the line hoping that the response would be better. Not only were they really freaked out but they also refused to share their soap or scrub my back. In the end, none of them even let me finish my bath. What a waste! From their response, had they been born early, they would have been great assets during the non-cooperation movement. Finally, I gave up and realized that normal people are not very good with saving water let alone Mother Earth. So, I decided to help out with some ass-kicking, nature-saving ideas.
Plant trees on people’s heads
Unimaginative people will insist on planting trees on roadsides. I don’t want your stupid plants on my roads! People come in a group, plant a sapling, clap, have tea and forget about it. Who’s going to water them? I’ve one bladder and it’s not always full. When it’s on their head they’ll remember it forever. Also, it gives natural shade for the scorching sun wherever they'll go. Here’s how you go about my awesome idea.
Have a receding hairline or have already gone bald? You can completely offset it with a tree. Say "bye-bye" to low confidence and "hello" to being buried in women because women love confident environmentalists. Just remember to water the tree once everyday. Also, take a bath.
Make throwing garbage a sport
When you throw garbage does it regularly land outside the garbage bin? Is it because you don’t find it challenging? Do you want to change the face of garbage-throwing forever? Here’s how.
- Get a transparent basket.
- Fix it at 10 feet on a wall.
- Play basket junk!
You can play basket junk with one or more people. Take anything that is considered junk – waste paper, broken toys, peels of fruits, Delhiites, neighbor’s annoying brats, Bombay Times, Priyanka Chopra or women in general – and take turns in throwing them into the basket. You can even slamjunk if you want. You get two points for getting it in and if you get it in from more than a distance of 22 feet you get three points. Once you get around 100 points you can exchange them for a trip to your favorite destination! Word of warning if you miss everyone will make fun of you and call you a sissy because only sissies are bad at sports. You may also get neutered. Not a major loss since if you are not able to get a ball of waste paper into a basket that is 46 cm in diameter you’ll probably end up putting it in her belly button.
Use women instead of animals as beasts of burden
Women have been carrying heavy loads on their chest. At least the women I look at. So, it’s about time they carry things on their back. Though women are generally found to be boring and dull to talk to, they are more interesting than having a conversation with something that either goes “bow bow” or “meow”. Also, since women have bolstered their place as the second most intelligent animal losing to dolphins and finishing just ahead of chimpanzees, there is hope that the conversation may take an interesting twist. Want more advantages of using a woman to do your job? You can even make love to her and not be accused of bestiality (as long as she’s not ugly). The only problem here is women cost more than donkeys or horses but if you are into frugality you can save money with the below method.
- Find a woman.
- Marry her.
Once you’ve married her, she’ll have to do everything for you. You can take her out for a movie once in a while as long as the movie doesn’t have some faggot in the lead role. Don’t buy her any popcorn. She wants some? She can earn it by working extra hours. Stay firm with her or she’ll start talking about Santa Claus, women’s rights and other imaginary things.
Tie stones to plastic bags before you throw them into a river
Rivers are a great place to get rid of things you don’t need. The problem is most of the junk - such as teenagers - that you dump are buoyant and end up floating and ruining the beauty of the river. Once you tie a stone to your garbage, you can watch it sink leaving behind the same old pristine river! People may complain that the river is still getting filthy. Guess what? If it looks good from outside, it’s good from inside. Just like people who dress up in good clothes but are really assholes. Looks are important!
Throw animal-lovers into forests
Animal-lovers love animals. Forests have animals. Join the dots. Throw these animal-lovers first, then join the dots. Dots can wait.
Pave mangroves and rainforests
Humans are a part of Mother Nature, they require homes and no bunch of trees can stop that. Pave them! This is only after you’ve already occupied the vacant homes of the animal-lovers who were thrown into the forest. I don’t want trees to be cut down for no reason. People start crying when that happens.
This is all I have currently. You can come up with some ideas as well but they won’t be as creative as mine so don’t bother telling me about them.
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Posts: 13
Reply #15 on : Sun July 18, 2010, 23:58:14