For your information, the ability to properly whack a red or white hard leather-seamed spheroid with a circumference of 9 inches isn’t the sole requirement for anything Godlike. Still you’ll end up meeting cricket fanatics (nitwits) who’ll almost ejaculate while rambling on and on about Sachin Tendulkar. Can someone please tell these guys to shut up (maybe even change their underwear)? Seriously, give it a rest. In fact I’ve gone out of my way to compile a list of reasons why Mr. Tendulkar falls short of the God title.
Height: You could clearly see this coming at round an about 5 foot 5 inches from the ground… if you were looking down that is. What kind of God is shorter than the average male? What’s God’s retribution going to be? A lethal head-butt straight to the knee caps… shattering them forever? Screw this! I want my God to be standing tall without a 3 foot stool.
Defense technique: Whenever someone criticizes him, Sachin’s supporters say, “Sachin let’s his bat do the talking.” What’s that all about? Can’t he stand up for himself? He needs a bat? I speak on my behalf all the time. I’m not relying on some wooden piece of shit to come up with a rebuttal. I can imagine this scenario. Some real good observer confronts Sachin when he’s with his dumbass posse of fan boys and points out he (Sachin) is not really a good batsman. All the fans go like “ooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!” and then one of them says “His bat does the talking.” So everyone looks at the bat waiting for some kickass comeback that will rip the observer to shreds and the entire dumbass posse can high five each other. But the bat just sits there. People get bored and leave disappointed. Sachin goes home and constantly badgers his bat with, “Why didn’t you say anything? Why couldn’t you stand up for me?” He then cries himself to sleep. Next day he’s arrested for bat-beating. I bet that’ll happen one day.
Magical powers and extra curricular activities: Other Gods have healed people, brought some back from the dead, slain demons, turned water into wine, you know, the average Godly stuff. Sachin, on the other hand, has notched up 13,000+ runs and 45+ centuries in both versions of the game in cricket and has advertised for brands that he probably doesn’t use in real life. Here’s a rule: No supernatural power, no God title. He needs to showcase some supernatural activity. Anything would do! At least guess the number that I’m thinking.
Is it too much to ask for? Can't we have lasers shooting out from his eyes, some arrows exploding in mid-air or a chariot that flies? I’ve read Mahabharata – the children's version – and I’ve expectations. Damn! Even Moses, a common man, was able to part a river. What can a guy like Tendulkar do when we are attacked by Satan’s army? Challenge Satan to a 20-20 match? Scar him with his statistics? Bah! What a waste!
Voice: Gods are supposed to have a manly, powerful, sonorous and commanding voice not some effeminate drone. No one is going to obey someone with sissy tone. A God who can be mistaken for a girl, a prepubescent boy or an ass pirate? Please!
Trust: Where was Sachin when our brown, hairy arses were colonized for years by some white boys who are not even good at sports that they invented? Why didn’t he fight for our freedom? Don’t give me the ‘he was not even born' excuse! Can we trust a God who can’t even be born on time? He was not there when we needed him the most. Couldn’t help us in the past can he do anything in the present or the future? I don’t think so.
Hands: Indian God with two hands? Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out of here.
Personal life: When you slipped and fell down, who was there to pick you up? When you broke up with your lover, who was there to give you a shoulder to cry on? Sachin? Fuck no.
Area of influence: Sachin’s area of influence is India while most other Gods have made the infinite universe their bitch. Influence on India? Big deal! A mortal woman from Italy did that. No God of mine loses to a woman… ever.
His fans: I once heard one of his fans quote Mathew Hayden’s "I have seen God, he bats at no. 4 for India.” Now I find this highly disturbing on multiple levels. If we have a God, why is he playing cricket? Shouldn’t he be helping us out with this poverty problem? Leave poverty maybe get rid of 20-30 potholes. If we have a God on our team why do we still lose? If he’s not all powerful then is he really a God? Why is he batting at no. 4? Then again at what position should a God really bat? Isn’t it unfair that we have a God in our team and the other team comprises of mere mortals? Isn’t it cheating? Isn’t it equivalent to having a steroid consuming player on your team? “I’ve seen a man who consumes performance enhancing drugs, he bats at no. 4.”
Finally there are fanatics who’ll say, “Unless you’ve faced a single ball during an international cricket match you’ve no right to criticize Sachin.” Well since you’ve not created a website called www.BigFishMag.com with a group of 5 people, designed and coded from scratch and drew your own artwork you’ve no right to criticize me either.
PS: By the way, the phrase you are looking for is – Q.E.D., motherfuckers.