Am I the only one who thinks that paying a long-haired stranger money to tell me how to live my life is stupid? If I really wanted advice on how to live my life I would listen to my parents and guess what? It’s free. In fact if I obey I get rewards. The art of living? Bah! How hard is it to live? Still confused? Here’s a small guide called “Leo’s guide to living”. It’s free so don’t whine.
- The first 4 years of your life is the only time you can do what you want, so make the best of it. Whatever you do is pure gold. You could clap while shitting yourself and you’ll get more attention that a man who’s hanging off a tree upside down while simultaneously reciting LOTR from memory and playing blind chess with Kasparov. Don’t give me lame excuses like I’m too young to do anything. When I was two years old I was busy guzzling alcohol with semi naked bimbos. If I can do it so can you.
- School starts. If you’ve been put into nursery school instead of directly Jr. Kindergarten, it’s a sure shot sign that your parents hate you. If you are still alive and reading this you’ve failed them… yet again. No loving parent sends their kid to nursery. Oh by the way, you know who else goes to nursery? Plants – which is what your parents think you are. If you don’t get this hint they could probably give it to you in writing but I still have no hopes for you getting it. If my parents had put me into nursery I would repay them by putting them into old age homes. Deprive me T.V. time, will you? Off you go now.
- School starts and your life is officially fucked. This is the time when the ‘my penis is bigger than your phase’ starts. Here you are the penis and your marks are the size. Unlike your penis size you can’t lie about marks so you are pretty much ruined. Suddenly, letters such as ‘A’ seem more important than other letters and numbers below 90 are considered as untouchables. There are two scenarios here – if your parents were average blokes in school they’ll expect you to excel so that they finally have something worth showing in all their years of existence. If your parents where Einstein shaming genius – they’ll expect you to excel so they finally don’t have something they should be ashamed off. Either ways, you are in deep shit and the time that you were supposed to spend running around will scratching your crotch or probably digging a goddamn hole in the ground1 is forever replaced by a book. A book that is thrust into your hands and has been claimed to be put there for your good.
- If you excel in school there won’t be anyone happier than your parents since surely you aren’t happy because these marks mean jack shit to you. Also, your friends hate you because you scored better than them and their parents hate them, you and your parents. At this point you hope why can’t your respective parents give the goddamn test themselves and decide who’s the best rather than using some mixed DNA by-product (you and your friends) as pawns.
- You move through milestones of shit, 10th boards, 12th boards, and so on. Everyone keeps telling you how each milestone is important but once you cross them you realize that you’ve been conned into performing for absolutely nothing. The only thing that happens after each milestone is the competition gets stiffer. “This is the last time you’ve to put in efforts. After this exam you can relax and enjoy.” All lies!
- You are done with your education phase and you move to your employment phase which is the ‘my penis is bigger than yours part II’. You’re still the penis and your salary is the size. In this phase no matter who you are you always remain the loser. You notice that people who dropped out of school are earning big bucks in call centers and are getting drunk every Saturday night with young, hot and stupid 18 year olds. The people who did excel are working for top companies like Yahoo, Microsoft or Google. Everyone else also has a job because Infosys, doesn’t mind hiring people who can’t write a program to add three numbers because everything you’ve learnt in college is shit and Infosys spends 3 months training them anyways.
- You meet further losers and you start an online website to kill time. People who you never knew or never wanted to know are able to get a complete understanding of your life (i.e. you suck), your sexual orientation (i.e. you’re gay) and your future (i.e. you’ll die alone) from 700 words that you’ve written.
- You then get married and get into the child phase2.
- You die and depending on your belief you could either
- Be born again (fuck not again!).
- Nothing happens (over already?).
- Some guy who created you will point out and compare your good and bad deeds and will then put you in a room depending on the outcome (holy shit!).
1George Carlin reference.
2The child phase is explained in detail in - Marital sex is bad for you.
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Posts: 35
Reply #35 on : Wed August 18, 2010, 21:52:48