"I've always wondered why J.K. Rowling spent time coming up with elaborate titles for her books. Harry Potter and the other fags would have done just fine." - Wasim Kadak
Warning: This post may contain spoilers. If you are going to bitch about it, leave me your email-address so that I can email you a picture (or pictures if you like) of my hairy buttocks which you can kiss as and when you prefer.
Question: Which Harry Potter character is gay?
Answer: Everyone. This is why they hide in this place called Hogwarts where they commit their acts of debauchery. Hogwarts is like anal warts but you can only get it on anal intercourse with a wizard.
I've read all books in the Harry Potter series and enjoyed them but there have been a few things bothering me... typically the homosexuality of every character. In case you are wondering, how I can enjoy something despite it bothering me, look at it this way - I hate the smell of shit but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to take a dump every morning.
Firstly, my major gripe is the wizard world decides to call us normal folks as muggles and gives us condescending looks. Listen douchebags, being able to pull a rabbit out of your ass just because you have a piece of stick made from handpicked wood from some godforsaken tree in some godforsaken forest that is mixed with feathers or maybe even the semen of some exotic magical bird can hardly be considered as something worth respecting. Maybe if all of us had these sticks we could perform a magical act or two. But then despite of all your magical abilities how does it feel to have a chosen one who can't even fix his vision with magic? When I think of someone who is going to save me from the most evil force there is, the least I expect from him is to have a 20/20 vision. Imagine if he comes to save you and somehow ends up breaking his glasses, you don't want to be turned into a pumpkin just because he mistakes you for Voldemot. This brings me to the best way to defeat Harry Potter, look and learn Voldemort.
Either that or give him some candy and take him home. People have been abducting children since the dawn of time, take a few pointers.
Now, coming to the rampant homosexuality within the wizardly kingdom, it has been revealed that Albus Dumbledore was gay but does it really end there? I think not. Here are a few more characters.
Harry Potter: Harry Potter is a cleverly - or not so cleverly - disguised name for a man who wants to hump hairy behinds. Hairy Potter if you may. Here is a quote from the book:
“Harry Potter took his WAND and pushed it will all force into THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.”
Okay, that may not be a quote from the book but if it were it would be a good sexual innuendo to prove my point. Nonetheless, I’ve other reasons. What kind of magician can't get laid? It took him 4 books to get some kissing action. And this guy is the chosen one? Maybe his magical wand isn't the only wand that he's unskilled in using. This guy had all the necessary requirements to be the one who gets the most action. The chosen one, a cool lightning scar across the forehead, has survived the death spell by the most ruthless wizard the world has ever witnessed and even an invisibility cloak. This guy should have been neck deep in pussy but instead chooses to play grabass with some pimpled ass for a roommate, use his invisibility cloak to arrange clandestine rendezvous with a semi giant who likes to collect weird animals and “fights” other “men” who wear long nightgowns using his wand. If I was Harry Potter by the 3rd book I would have probably gotten gonorrhea, herpes, and a dozen other STDs and died out of dehydration. What a dumbass! What’s the point of finding so many rooms that no one ever enters if you won’t use it for some pre class coitus?
Harry Potter is also such a weak piece of shit that he always has to be saved by someone. Sometimes it is Albus Dumbledore who despite being so old that he could mop the floor with his sagging balls has to get his wrinkled ass out of his chair to save boy wonder. Other times it’s that Phoenix who shoots fire out of its ass. I’m not relying on this faggot for anything.
Voldemort: The world's most evil, terrifying wizard who ends up leaving a trail of carnage and destruction couldn't even kill a teenage boy in 7 books. This guy has to be the pussiest bad guy ever created. When no one is around he probably wears a pink skirt and dances to Britney Spears’ numbers. The only way he could kill someone is if he crawls out from a dark alley and yells ‘boo’ and hopes the victim has a heart condition. Voldemort could also be a pedophile because he keeps saying, ‘I want Harry Potter. I want that boy.’ Technically, a pedophile in a children’s novel is a pretty scary character. Anyways, Voldemort even targeted Harry Potter when he was a baby only to lose and turn into a weak, flat nosed piece of shit that makes weird sounds. In all my years, I've never lost to a baby. Who the fuck loses to a baby? Apparently, his ‘I am Lord Voldemort’ – ‘Tom Marvolo Riddle’ anagram producing skills weren’t of any use in the real world. Next time try scrabble, you asshole.
Even if I play with a kid I play to win. I'm not going to lose just to make some kid happy let alone to be reduced to some ugly horse carcass that is used by parents as an example to scare children into regular dental care. God! What an ugly sap! Just look at Voldemort he looks like a guy who could very well feature in one of those weird Lady Gaga’s video.
Also, Voldemort inadvertently sealed a fragment of his soul within Harry Potter while attempting to murder the boy. Goes to kill a boy and ends up sealing a fragment of his soul within him. What would he do if he went to have casual sex with a woman, impregnate her with triplets? This guy is a walking disaster. And to top things off he leaves a lightning bolt scar. Here’s what you do if you plan to fail on your next murder attempt.
You think a kid can survive high school looking like that and remotely be of any threat? Then again what can you expect from someone whose face looks like somebody took a massive dump on it and forgot to flush.
He also has a pet snake that he uses for bestial delight. Look at the picture below.
If that doesn’t look like the face of a man who has a snake sliding in and out of his ass for the sole purpose of sexual gratification I don’t know what is. Seriously, Cindrella’s fairy godmother could be more frightening than him. Arrrgh! Next.
Ron Weasley: This guy could feature in a porno movie banging 20 hot women one after the other but I'll still consider him gay. I know a straight guy when I see one because he doesn't look like Ron Weasley.
Hermione Granger: 'Hermione Granger' or 'Herman needs a Granger'? Granger is the wizardly word for 'a massive cock'. Nice try, Rowling but now we all know why Hermione was always natural in holding her wand.
Draco Malfoy: Why else would someone be so frustrated and angry if he didn't have a giant cock up his ass… permanently?
I could go on and on but does anybody really care if the characters in Harry Potter are gay?
PS: What’s wrong with those Death Eaters? What kind of freaks would rather than living in a world of freedom and harmony prefer to live under the iron rule of a man who gets pleasured by a humungous snake? Oh! I’m choking on this amazing freedom. I long for day when Voldemort would return so that he could spank our pureblood bottoms and treat us like slaves. Dumbasses.
Facebook
Twitter
Reddit
Stumble
Digg
Posts: 32
Reply #33 on : Sun November 28, 2010, 20:37:36