Big Fish hereby declares its support to any organization or individual (not taking names) who feel the need to press the issue of shutting down ‘pubs’ any more elaborate than a minor decry. Big Fish would also like to declare that its views can be used in any court (of law or otherwise, even the ones gerontocratic in nature) with due reference.

Point1.
India empowers its women only in religious texts. Pubs on the other hand empower women to the extent of corrupting them. They are given a free entry and the fee is reduced to an outrageous half when accompanied by one. What if a girl ends up courting a terrorist into a pub? Not only will he mercilessly kill everyone, he will also be paying just half the entry fee for it. Thus pubs need to be abolished to prevent terrorism.

Point2.
Raja Ram Mohan Roy abolished the practice of sati….did a great service to the nation (author hopes Hindu fundamentalists are reading). Pubs, however, provide ample reasons for the practice to survive in principle. ‘Hot Chick’, ‘Garam Maal’, ‘Phataka’, ‘Top ka gola’, these terms inadvertently bring an image of a girl and fire (or pyre) together. Moreover the pubs are flooded with females who are easily attachable to these monickers(even the ugly ones look good in the dark and when you are drunk). Thus pubs need to be shut to avoid practicing sati.

Point3.
Gods wanted Indians to have sex only in the city of Khajuraho (every true Indian knows this as the truth). Sure, the pubs sell legal alcohol and play repetitive music but every true Indian is subconsciously aware that pubs lead to activities that highly resemble those to be practiced only in the sacred Khajuraho. This goes against the Indian culture and also against ‘the wills’ of the ‘Indian Gods’. Pubs are to be allowed only in Khajuraho and nowhere else. Thus pubs should be abandoned to curb sexual blasphemy.

Point4.
Street performance art in India needs a boost. Very few births in a suburban family have the set of skills required to perform acts like walking on burning charcoal while balancing a family member on the head or placing one’s dick in a hungry monkey’s mouth only to return for another show…,let alone swallowing swords laced with cobra poison while already pierced in other body crevices with red hot iron rods. The skilled few turn their backs on the traditional art forms and end up becoming ‘bartenders’ juggling drinks to make a living out of it. These pseudo performers should be made to perform on the streets just as a service to the country. Thus pubs should be demolished to give an impetus to street performance- a dying Indian art form.

Point5.
Indianness is more than a nationality. A true Indian should be cognizant in assuming the family background, race, caste, religion, creed of everyone he even has a chance encounter with. Only in the case of a perfect match in all the above criteria should any interaction perpetrate. Interactions in a pub overlook the Indianness and are focused on the conversation being interesting. There’s a possibility that a person with invalid ‘birth credentials’ might be really funny! This can lead to an interesting conversation which is detrimental to the existence of Indianness. We might turn into a foreign country and be annexed by the real foreigners. Thus pubs should be banned to preserve our identity and protect our national borders.

Hence Proved.

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