Here is a list of people whose mothers should have suffered from a miscarriage:
 1) Our very own Indian rappers. These suburban, convent educated, spoon fed, timid bastards who just can’t stop rapping about violence and how they’ve had it tough in their lives. I am tired of these fake Sean John sporting rapper twats who use the phrase “down with it” as a climax to every sentence. Well, I have a suggestion for these pretentious bitches: as long as you are “down there”, why don’t you come suck my balls! Majority of these disgruntled rappers live with their parents (as do most Indian children), eat freshly prepared home-made food, do not even wash their own underwear and get a fat allowance from their folks. Perhaps their only exposure to violence is a slap from their mothers for not completing their daily glass of chocolate milk or a punch from the elder sister for using her jewellery. |
2) People who fart in local trains during peak hours. Not that I am a staunch supporter of people farting when the train coaches are well-ventilated but I think during peak hours it becomes a cardinal sin. Maybe these gas balloons equate themselves to Hitler, the rest of the travelling class to Jews and the train coaches to gas chambers, but I think it’s about time someone knocked some sense into these deluded bastards. Have a little decency; hold it till there is enough breathing space for the commuters, then gauge whether you gastric emission fouls the sanctity of the environment at large and even then for God’s sake, don’t fucking let go. |
 3) These bald headed “hare-Rama, hare-Krishna” jerks who want me to speak to god every time I visit an ISCKON temple. Here are excerpts from one such conversation:Bald Hare-Rama Hare Krishna jerk (BHRHKJ): Son, do you speak to god? Son: Well, which network does god use? BHRHKJ: Ha, son god is everywhere. You just have to close your eyes and imagine him! Son (eyes closed): Does god in any way resemble a hot blonde with huge titties? No? Then I guess he is in line and can wait. Here is some friendly advice: Leave the connection and the chit-chatting to me. If this is your idea of a pick-up line then I suggest being more creative. |
4) Men who use the hands-free when their hands are not really busy. I do not have anything against technology but when these idiots use their newly acquired “free” hands to scratch their crotches, dig their noses and clear out their ear wax in full view of others, it comes under violation of my personal space. I think Motorola should come up with a gadget called hands-permanently-busy for our friends with bouts of compulsive itching/digging/clearing. |
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5) People who find abuses in Hindi really cheap. These are the people who have fallen prey to marketing gimmicks all their lives. Sell them a Lux Cozi in Calvin Klein packaging and they’ll proudly sport it over their trousers. What my high society friends fail to understand is a mother f****r is still a m*******d, only longer and packaged in a foreign language. These are the kind of folks who would shun movies like Satya citing abusive languages but proudly hail Snatch and Lock, Stock….as examples of fine dialogue writing. |
At this juncture we’ll be taking a commercial break of the literary type.
The views expressed in the article are entirely the writer’s and the magazine does not subscribe to them in its entirety. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is strictly coincidental and does not depict the person (living or dead).The views are the writer’s way of paying tribute the legendary George Carlin.
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