On account of the upcoming election and the subsequent rise in demand of prisoners from the political parties, the Election Commission, in order to maintain a level playing field, and also to boost the exchequer in troubled times, held an auction (ala IPL) for some of its best criminal assets.

Left. Also bid for by the ‘Con’gress (eager to play the minority card) and the BeejayPee (eager to assassinate the asset in public and play the majority card).

The Left acquired the Flintoff of the auction. This asset represents all their communist ideals. The asset’s attack on five star hotels in the country’s commercial capital, where he successfully eliminated businessmen and socialites, will be disguised as an important step in the war against capitalism. Also, the possession of Chinese made weapons by the asset, will further re-assert his links with communism. The fact that all his comrades had identical AK-56s and equal amounts of ammo, without distinction, also supports the communist principle of equality. A common focal point of destruction, namely the Tatas, in Singur and Mumbai respectively, completes this explosive combination.

The Armani shirt the subject was photographed wearing will be dismissed as a capitalist conspiracy.

Widely sought after by all political parties, to ensure tax evasion and campaign fund laundering. Finally scooped up by the A’eye’ADMK .

Widely recognized as a worthy successor to party chief Joyalalitha citing his collection of 1000 designer suits, 321 pairs of shoes, 310 belts and 13 cars including Mercedes and BMWs. Sources report that the two get along like idli and sambhar on their mall-hopping, designer hunting, shop-till-you-drop excursions. Anticipated to contest elections from Chennai. The logic behind this decision is the general tendency of Chennai folk to worship IITians, software engineers and moustaches. The asset, who satisfies all these criteria is virtually the Achilles of the elections.

Part of the auction price was also invested by the BMC citing the need for someone with the expertise of Mr. Raju to scam back money from the centre for its infrastructure projects.

A smart choice. The chief accused in the Nithari killings was bought by the Beejaypee citing the increasing power of the youth ‘con’gress. Expected to go “mean street cannibal” on all youth leaders defecting to the ‘con’gress. Rahul baba is believed to be petrified of him. Expected to contest from Amethi. The party is having a hard time catering to his eclectic tastes though. Election agenda includes setting up secluded play-parks for underprivileged children and enforcing the free afternoon meal in schools. The asset claims to have set up a working model for the same in his Noida home.

Subject of an intense bidding war between the BeeSP and the EssP, eventually snared by the BeeSP at 12 times his reserve price.

The Mashrafe Mortaza of the auction. Nobody knew why they wanted him. But, as in politics, and in particular, UP politics, it is criminal (literally) to lose a bidding war against your rivals. Jailed in a raid on illegal Bangladeshi immigrants, Babloo is now an overpaid worker in their leader Kayawati’s personal hair-partition maintenance team. He will be promoted to the birthday cake distribution team soon.

This is a move by the PMnS to intimidate two separate entities with one wise recruitment. Well known for his peaceful brotherly relations, Mahajan will be used to intimidate ‘Bro’ddhav, his cousin and prime political ally, as also the prime target of the PMnS, the north Indian ‘bhaiyyas’ or brothers. Both bhaiyyas are known to be petrified!

The auction was suspended after these assets were acquired as the other prisoners seated in the audience reached taciturn agreements with the parties --outside the auction-- for purposes as varied as candidature, security and booth capturing.

All parties involved said they were trying to reform these prisoners and looking forward to a crime-free election.