Anti-minority rant – the only mentionable achievement of Varun Gandhi. This unexpected speech was his only way of entering political consciousness. His nonchalant life of twenty nine years had, after all, kept him unnoticed even by the all-pervading Universe of his existence. ‘The Universe’ was so startled by his speech that a hole was blown into time-space and Varun Gandhi fell right through.(Now, if you’ve ever fallen through a hole in time-space or simply seen the movies I’ve seen, you’d probably know this is just a ruse to send Varun Gandhi time travelling)
It’s December 2000. The most luxurious cave in Afghanistan. A drunk Osama and his lieutenant Ayman-al-Zawahiri are bonding over their expertise in misrepresenting holy verses.
Osama: You know Aymu (glug glug) we are the best at what we do (glug glug)
Ayman: (glug glug) ha hahah, no one could have thought of seventy two virgins in heaven but us Hahaha
Osama: hahhaha.. u remember (glug) u remember the first ‘Jihaadi’ we ‘scored’ with this. He just couldn’t wait to be dead ..hahahahaha (vomits) . That’s how I got the idea of a ‘Fidayeen’. hahahhaaa
Ayman: (sees Osama vomiting) (vomits)
Osama: But I’m tired now. I’ve done all I wanted to. They never let me listen to rock music in school.. Islam and all…Devils music ..haah.. now look at me.. I have more money than the government, I have followers willing to die for me, literally… and I have 72 wives. I’m practically a rockstar hahahhahaha
Ayman: hahahah. Heyyy….. but you don’t have 72 wives. You have 53.
Osama: I also have a cattle stock of 19.hahhaahah
*Zap Zing patoom* *evaporating little stars* *a flash of bright light* *Zwuuup*
Ayman and Osama (unanimously): huhh?!!!!!!!
Varun Gandhi just appeared. He still has his fist raised and the words ‘…kill muslims..’ leave his lips on arrival.
Ayman and Osama charge towards him but can only catch *Zap Zing patoom* and *evaporating little stars* as Varun Gandhi disappears, falling deeper into the hole to stop at another time in history.
Osama (angry): This is the new weapon of Western World against Islam.
Ayman: Fat guys talking gibberish and disappearing???(scratches head)
Osama (still angry): Yes. This shall be avenged.
9 months and a few days later two planes crashed into World Trade Centre in New York city.
Its May 2005. Pakistan countryside. Crisp morning sunlight, green meadows, grazing cattle (Yash Raj scenery). The beauty is marred only by the fact that Ajmal Qasab is answering nature’s calls somewhere in the middle of it.
*Zap Zing patoom* *evaporating little stars* *a flash of bright light* *Zwuuup*
Varun Gandhi appears right in front of Ajmal….facing Ajmal’s frontal. Their eyes meet. Varuns eyes wander.
*Zap Zing patoom* *evaporating little stars* *a flash of bright light* *Zwuuup*
Disappears again.
Nothing leaves Ajmals body for awhile. Even his digestive system is in mortal shock. A grown man had just seen him when he’s most exposed. Varun Gandhi took away Ajmal’s only possession, early morning private moments. The possessionless Ajmal was spotted by the ‘To be Possessed’ radar of LeT. Ajmal was the only recruit promised something other than 72 virgins on death. He was promised utmost privacy in heaven when he’s relieving himself.
Nov 2008. Ajmal travelled to Mumbai with his many side-kicks. His mission- locate the fat man who saw him ‘that morning’ and…see him naked too. He asked people jovially about the fat man but no one could direct him to Varun Gandhi, no one would have heard of him until Mar 6 2009. Ajmal treated the ‘un-helpfuls’ like its custom back home-with a bullet to their head. The cops arrived. Even they proved useless having never heard of Varun Gandhi. Ajmal wasn’t one to treat cops differently having never done so back home.
Only when a wise ‘law enforcement officer’ (pandu) realized that there’s no media around to fake righteousness to, was Ajmal falsely promised handing-over of ‘said fat-guy’ if he dropped his trusted AK and surrendered. This was reported as capture of a live terrorist and deprived us precisely seven hours twenty three minutes and thirty nine seconds of reality TV time of terrorist hostage situation. So much for time travelling peeking Toms.
*Zap Zing patoom* *evaporating little stars* *a flash of bright light* *Zwuuup*
March 2013. Next assembly elections. Varun Gandhi is still just a Gandhi. He has been denounced by his party shortly after he was denounced by his mother. An independent candidate now, he walks towards the stage to address a crowd of 27. 27th audience member is the Universe…. an alert Universe. Nothing can startle it now. It’s expecting something outrageous from Varun. Varun…remembers the last speech
~~~~~##Zwuuup…“..kill Muslims”…… *Zap Zing patoom*…..smell of cattle dung…..“catch the infidel!!!!”…. *Zap Zing patoom*……smell of human dung… squatting young man… awkward silence##~~~~~
He decides against such a stunt, doesn’t want to go time travelling again.
Says, “I would like to ask the government again what I had asked in December 2004* ‘what are you doing for the betterment of minorities?’ “.
Concern for minorities!!!!!! Universe wasn’t expecting this. So startled was the Universe that a hole was blown into time-space and Varun Gandhi fell right through.(Now, if you’ve ever fallen through a hole…… complete from above article
*not a fictional quote. Verifiable on Wikipedia.
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Posts: 16
Reply #16 on : Thu May 21, 2009, 12:12:57