The world of crime has always held our fascination (Yes, we are sick people!). Crime has provided the sadist with hours of entertainment, the oldies with topics to whine about and the movie industry with shit loads of money.
We at BigFishMag (your favourite magazine, remember that and repeat it to self very morning!) are blokes that realize the need of your regular coverage of crime and damn us if we disappoint. We have brought you a couple of the most outrageous crime stories. No endless loops, no socialite bullshit, just pure fucking news!
Warning: These news stories will probably make you go “THE FUCK”. You may also start doubting the fact that man is the most evolved animal.
Story 1: The Jewelers’ Store.
This story belongs to the days when jeweler stores didn’t have security guards. Minus these blokes, there was always a massive fear factor involved. Jewelry has always been the Indian robber’s metal of choice, courtesy the ease of transactions involved. You only need to watch a 60s movie to understand it’s the one thing ruffians desire the most. On a bad day, you might even be attacked by Bappi Lahiri.
The poor guy in this story (not exactly a poor guy because he had a jewelry store) was sitting at his counter waiting for customers. A couple of buxom ladies show up. As is customary, this bloke started showing these females some jewelry. But before he could tell em’ the day’s gold rate, they had drawn their weapons! What’s new, you ask? The novelty lies in these crooks’ weapons of choice. They weren’t weapons in the traditional sense, as advertised by our friends from across the border. These were way more powerful. They had weapons which would make any suicide bomber burst prematurely. If you didn’t guess it as yet, they showed the guy their boobies. One minute he’s showing them something he hopes they want, the next minute they are showing him something men always want!
Doesn’t matter where you live, the sight of titties in your face (in this case it’s two different pairs) is always shocking. It’s not something you expect. Actually, it’s something every male secretly hopes for, but it never happens. This bloke has the front row seat and he’s stunned and spoilt for choice. He doesn’t know which ones to look at and neither does he know why he’s getting this presentation. At this point, there are many thoughts and visions running through his head (and yours right NOW, especially visions, if you are a man.). “Did they like the jewelry so much?” “If I show them more will they show me more?” “Should I show them something else?”… and then *BAM* a chloroform soaked cloth right on his face. Blissfully, he hits the floor.
When the cops arrive, the store has been ransacked and this guy has lost a finger. Legend has it that he was still trying to reach for their titties in his unconscious state.
Moral of the story: Free titties may turn out to be real expensive.
Story 2: Wrong time, wrong place.
This story is about a bunch of Indians who had gone to the US of A for further studies.
It’s 2 AM and this bunch decides that they want to play some cricket. I know you are baffled, but I do have a couple of theories on why they wanted to play cricket.
Theory 1: These guys were homesick. They wanted to do something characteristically Indian to get over their homesickness. Since pissing in public was punishable, they decided on gully cricket.
Theory 2: After watching the American Pie series, these guys dreamt of the opportunities they would get. They all thought their respective cranks would get some action with women spreading their legs at first sight. On arrival, they realized that the women weren’t easy and they weren’t in demand. Cricket was just a diversion to get over this dejection.
Normal people would prefer to sleep at this hour but I guess, not everyone is normal. Playing cricket, at 2 AM, in a foreign land which has not always been very welcoming requires a high level of stupidity. In this case, these guys possessed it.
So, off they went to the neighborhood play park. Within minutes of Jitenbhai’s first underarm googly, a gang of Afro-Americans shows up. They circle the playground and then come over to these guys. Now, Indians aren’t the best at physical activity. Our performances at the Olympics have always reinforced this fact. With physical resistance chucked out of the window, these guys know that they are going to either get mugged or maybe even used for sexual gratification. The fear of the latter, made this the only moment in their life when they hoped on getting mugged. With fear rising and control over their bowels decreasing, one of the black guys, to add to their misery, draws a gun. Staring down the barrel, being used for sexual gratification suddenly doesn’t seem that bad. Within the next five seconds however, one guy emptied his bladder, 3 million Hindu Gods/Goddess were disturbed and the gun wielding afro and his posse ran away with the cricket bat.
A cricket bat isn’t essentially a plunderers’ trophy but the Indians didn’t care much for the details. They were content having returned to their apartment with their wallet, rectums and life intact.
I am not very sure why anyone would want to steal a cricket bat. I guess even you are bamboozled but I do have one theory to explain this.
Theory: The stereotype of afros having a monster pecker can sometimes backfire on a black guy. If you are black and have a 9incher, you are bound to suffer from low self esteem. The gun wielding afro had this problem. When he saw the cricket bat, he thought of an idea. He decided to steal it and then stuff it down his pants. This will create a massive bulge and give him much needed self confidence, in addition to newfound peer respect in his hood.
I know the theory doesn’t make much sense. Then again, neither does stealing a cricket bat at gun point.
Moral of the story: If something like this happens to you then don’t tell your friends, or else the story may end up on the internet.
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Posts: 3
Reply #3 on : Sun June 21, 2009, 11:39:35