Every other youth magazine worth its weight in menstrual discharge has dedicated reams of newsprint prophesying the ‘hot trends’ on campus this year. These sold-out magazines, promising ‘Fashion TIPS only for you’, care as much for aforementioned you as anyone these days does for Enrique Iglesias. All these magazines do is package bullshit in two easy steps.
Step 1> Getting random tramps in their first year at NIFT (someone who once managed a bargain on a tunic from Linking Road/ Delhi equivalent, and thereafter considers herself the ultimate authority on campus fashion) to gargle out the semen stuck at the back of their throats into words.
Step 2> Getting MBAs running these shitty publications, and targeting the ‘gullible teen demographic’, to package this bullshit into a template collection of tips, which if followed, will make sure you dress just like every other prick/tramp you know and hate, and is part of the same general “demographic”.
In case you do follow these ‘fashion tips’, you risk looking like a cheap Chinese clone of an Ashton Kutcher/ Zac Efron/ dickless teen movie fucktard blow-up doll. We strongly advise you to avoid this stuff like the plague, or risk virginity and social ostracism till the end of time. Or at least till Shakti Kapoor takes over the world and enforces a dress code. In which case, you will be well prepared!
Cloning for dummies
Now, the fairer sex (including Parsi boys) is instinctively more gullible to the whole ‘trendy’ bullshit than ignorant boys who would rather watch football. So, let’s put them out of their misery first.
Oversized sunglasses are a waste of tinted glass. Why are sunglasses even a trend? I don’t think they serve any practical purpose. If you are stupid enough to look directly at the sun, then you deserve to be blinded. If you are trying to cover up your stupidity with a pair of sunglasses, you might want to keep it low and wear regular size glasses and hope nobody notices.
But, chances are, if you are that stupid, that you will belie all logic and opt for those billboard-sized tinted pink and white ones which every retard magazine, not to mention MTV’s Nikhil Binappa is trying to pass off as the hottest ‘new’ trend this season, but is actually stolen from the 60s.
That’s right, Hippies wore these. For the simple ones, Hippies were good for nothing losers, tripping on bucketfuls of LSD, and were at most times incapable of pulling a bra around their chest. They tried to dress badly on purpose, just to get noticed. This is how a hippie picked up the first pair, “Oh! Those whorish sunglasses are big, pink and ugly. No self-respecting twat will ever wear that.*snort**pop**shoot*….How much is that one?” If you are imitating anything hippies ever did, or do, or plan to do (apart from Pot and acid) like protest wars and draw ugly peace signs, or wear oversized sunglasses, you need to suck cock. No, Seriously! Some cock sucking will probably clear the cobwebs in your head, and maybe even give you a valid reason to wear those oversized sunglasses. So what if it’s only to keep the squirt out of your eyes!!
NEWS FLASH!!!! Wearing a short skirt over leggings isn’t fooling anyone.
Why the hypocrisy?? If you have cellulite legs, or are just plain pussy to get them waxed, or have parents who won’t let you display your wares in public, just fucking deal with it. We can tell when the skin’s real, thank you.
At least have the basic courtesy to not unleash the skirt-legging combo on the populace. Before you retort with your ‘But it makes my chubby legs look sooooo cute, and makes me look taller…Lol’, let me tell you to quit kidding yourself. You are still a tubby bag of skin and looking like a table lamp below your waist isn’t helping anything. So quit trying.
Beret Caps are for the armed forces (read Real Men).
It makes my blood boil to see such an absolute symbol of masculinity corrupted by teeny bopper chicks wearing pink checkered berets, not to mention faggy painter boys. If you want to wear one, enlist. Or at the very least, wear an original army beret and do not corrupt the emotion. We’ll know you like it wild.
Grandpa umbrellas were for Grandpa. Even Grandma hated them and so should you.
The picture may not be an accurate representation of how ugly these umbrellas are. Thanks largely to the fact that the featured umbrella is monochromatic and the same are now available in a mind-numbing variety of colours. Nevertheless, you might have understood the reason behind my hatred for these with just a solitary glance. They are huge, ugly and inconvenient. That’s like the unholy trinity of fashion. I mean, you could carry a bazooka with that one hand you are using up lugging that ugly thing along. How cool would that be? But still, this abomination continues to be the IN thing. Every goddamned retard carries this along wherever he/she goes, puncturing the behinds of everyone who dares to cross his path with the inbuilt steel dagger. And it’s not just women, who are prone to these fashion ’faux pas’ as they call the mistakes they make. Men, semi-men, Rakhi Sawant, Hijras…..These umbrellas are everywhere.
Men showing off their cleavage are like women showing off their surgically implanted dicks!
Only faggots shave their chest. And if you are one of those, and can’t bear the tickle of awesomeness your chest hair commands, the least you can do is not show it off.
The next time I chance upon some clean shaven faggot with a gleaming chest and shirt buttons ripped till the navel, I am going to reach down there and permanently revoke his manhood. Actually, why bother? He’s doing a pretty good job of revoking it himself!!
Tilting your baseball cap doesn’t make you any cooler, nor does it make you black.
Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You don’t watch baseball, and are not a nigger. On the contrary, your favourite sport is carrom and you use Fair&Handsome. Quit exhibiting your retardation. And why are you tilting the caps? Do you think that direction (32 degrees west) is cool? Did you always wish your neck continually pointed in that direction? In which case, do you need me to repeatedly punch you real hard in the face till it does? I would be glad to help.
Leave the cartoon shirts to the kids. They are a better judge of them.
Don’t get me wrong here. I love cartoons. My problem is that only the faggy ones are getting exhibited. Mickey mouse was gay. No questions asked? And spongebob wasn’t half smart either? And why are these getting all the attention? ‘Cause magazine tramp said so? Wear what you fucking watch and believe in, at least.
Now the list is long, and I don’t wish to waste a sequel to this, so here’s more stuff you can wear if you are stupid.
Oshos: Osho was a crook and these just represent all his ideals.
Scarves: Men who wear scarves need to check if they are wearing their briefs in the right size. They seem to be squishing the life out of their balls.
Beads: Hippie. Enough said.
Piercings: Gay, except for navel, nose and tongue, ON CHICKS.
PS: I know it’s gay to write about fashion. But after witnessing the visual sacrilege that VJ Nikhil Binappa, who wasn’t less of a toad anyways, is committing, and inspiring millions of MTV zombies thereby, I just had to get it out of my system