Boarding local trains (Referencing Mumbai. North Indians can picture ‘Passenger Trains’) is deemed difficult enough to apply military strategy simply because train capacity is insufficient to commuting populace. Doors meant for effortless passage witness commuters attacking flanks on realization that minimum foot space might become unavailable if entrance is delayed by a split second. What follows resembles mythical monster slaying with attackers (commuters) trying every trick their latent military brawn can conjure up. Another act supporting the monster metaphor is attacking the metaphorical gills (windows) and travelling saddle-less atop (roof top) the tamed monster (halted train).

Practically no one is willing to take on a train head-on. You show me one person willing to do so and I’ll name him ‘Dead student with very low percentage’ for you. The only exception to this rule is a gun-embellished naxalite but we will ignore him, as is custom, until he attacks BigFishMag demanding an ‘Independent Naxalite’ section written in Sino-Soviet dialect and renaming the mag to www.BigFishMag.com-munist.

Consider keywords ‘unpatrolled’, ‘traffic signal’ and ‘peak hour’. This is the most popular triad employed by traffic hawaldars in ambushing traffic criminals or making traffic criminal out of anyone. Victims find themselves in a perfect setting to deliver their ‘I am colourblind’ monologue only as long as the ‘let’s negotiate a bribe’ dialogue doesn’t begin. Good cop-bad cop routine is employed decisively against victims before letting them go a couple currency notes lighter. A tacit agreement before release states that similar ambush is to be expected on any future traffic signal.

This strategy has successfully been employed by immigration-hopeful Sardar families for decades. Immigration offices of Canada and U.K are repeatedly attacked by ‘turban-clad human’ waves looking for the faintest opening in immigration process they can fall through. Two attacks by same attacker are separated only by interval between rejection and re-eligibility. Resilience of officers in permitting only valid immigrants is thus put to the ultimate test. The only sub-strategy devised is documented as under-

 ‘All members of the same family should not be part of same wave. This increases periphery of the family’s reach and also the chances of at least one member making it through. He surely will become a ‘citizen’ someday and invite the whole family.’ 

This strategy gained application in civilian life following the disarmament of civilian parents against their civilian offspring by progressive ideologies in child-raising. Parents were disarmed of such traditional weapons as ‘enquiry’, ‘spanking’ & ’starvation’. Not to be outdone by these ideologies they themselves accepted (invoke: irony), parents turned to military warfare in a truly human fashion.

Conveniently unaware of implications of ‘total freedom’, children depend on parents for their monthly pocket money. Being the only route between parent army and children army, pocket-money is of high strategic importance. No binding clause to guarantee a regular flow of allowance allows to parents exploit the one-way flow and threaten their children into obedience. This flaw will be eliminated completely in the next amendment to ‘Parent Conduct Manual’ by Footloose Vagabond Publication.

Attacking an isolated unaware enemy never speaks highly of the attacker as long as Gollum & Khali are not the attacker and attacked respectively. Attacking one enemy with an entire force directly disqualifies attackers from the queue where war laurels are being distributed. 

“However, if such an attack is perpetrated in the service of a section of society that we find suppressed enough for its cause to be taken up by us…it’s OK.” ‘Social Service’ing females follow this quotation from the book ‘A Society Woman’s Low-Blow (Social Decorum Modified-Justified)’.   

 Rich socializing men are attacked by herds of social servants in a crowded party which now sings in unheard chorus ‘Another one bites the dust’. ‘Donations’ are demanded and ‘Causes’ are dropped like names with maximum effort to convince the inebriated men. Any ‘donation’ they make now looks more like ‘ransom for their solitude’ than ‘contribution to a noble cause’. Someone has to come forward and do that one thing we all want to do in our best intentions…rip off a millionaire…