The internet might be an ocean of knowledge and information but let’s face it, excessive dependence on it has turned the Americans into the most pathetic blurry eyed, schizophrenic, restless, obese bunch of retards on the planet. Up until a few years back we Indians were shielded from this social regression because thankfully for us Internet was a synonym for pornography. In those days there were only two things to do on the internet 1) Watch porn 2) Check mailbox (for more porn). It was all hunky dory, men especially, had a life back then along with a collection of photographs of naked white women on their computers.
But then, along came social networking and it all changed.
These websites initially charmed the youth and some horny old bastards (who were pretending to be young), by promising them that it was a nice way to keep in ‘touch’ with their old friends and to ‘touch’ some new ones as well. It’s only later that the world realized that social networking was the major culprit in many suicide cases and other utterly heinous crimes. A recent report also suggested social networking is to be blamed for low voter turnouts, the financial recession, global warming, the energy crisis and China’s occupation of Tibet.
Thus in my bit of service to the nation, I am undertaking the job of reviewing some popular social networking websites.
1) ORKUT
• Orkut, not to be confused with words like ‘chirkut’ or ‘whorecute’, was created by a random South American geek by the name of ‘Orkut Büyükkokten’, where the Spanish word ‘Büyükkokten’ roughly translates into English as ‘…the one to ruin your already nonexistent social life’.
• Orkut burst onto the scene, especially in India, some five years ago by mobilizing the lonely youth which apparently had nothing better to do. It showed them the bright prospects of getting laid once they join in. It’s only later that they realized that most of the hot people had their relationship status set to ‘committed’, and the only people who were single and looking for dates were either a) Guys, b) Pakistanis or c) Girls with looks slightly better than Amrish Puri.
• It is filled with Brazilians, Indians and Pakistanis mostly, but they keep their distances and no one inter mingles, any honest attempt to do so would result in the dirtiest abuses thrown at each other in their own languages which the other party wouldn’t understand.
• The greatest advantage of using Orkut over other websites is its simplicity and user friendly nature although I have seen plenty of guys who would write a scrap in their own scrapbook or something like ‘hey please get that DVD when you come to my place’ in peoples testimonials thinking it to be a way of passing offline messages.
• It has got various communities, which people create to get people together and socialize; it also gives the owners and moderators, who have no say in events in their real life, a chance to ban someone for no reason whatsoever and exercise their fantasies over other members. Legend has it that the pleasure of banning people on Orkut communities is only secondary to orgasmic pleasure. This is the reason almost all the communities are inactive and the only reason people join them is to make a style statement of some sorts to impress visitors. The only active communities are the ones which have allowed anonymous posting. Man! Screwing around with someone over the forums without revealing your identity is so much fun.
• Orkut is changing rapidly with new applications and features being added to it virtually every day. The creative team at Orkut has achieved this change by following the bollywood mantra of ‘if you can’t get as good as the other guy then start copying him shamelessly’. That is the reason why you would notice that Orkut is increasingly becoming to Facebook what Harman Baweja is to Hrithik Roshan or what Shahid Kapoor is to Shahrukh Khan or what Tushar kapoor is to that Vodafone Dog.
2) FACEBOOK
• Facebook was popularized by people who were ‘way too cool’ for Orkut and left messages in their Orkut display names such as ‘Orkut sux FB rox’ or ‘Switched to FB’ sometimes even writing those messages in aLtErNaTe cApS to get the point across more effectively, sigh!
• Facebook applications are some of the most useful things known to mankind. Like if one of your friend and his family are starving somewhere in Afghanistan then you could send him a delicious cake through the bakery application, how exciting! I can guarantee you that your life will never be the same once you know which F.R.I.E.N.D.S character you are, or which friend of yours is more compatible with you, which soft drink you are, which colour is best for you, which position is best for your sexual life, which kind of a guy/girl would best suit you, who are your celebrity look alike, which terrorist are you, which narcotic is best for you, which kind of sexual offender are you etc. As a general rule of law the more the applications added on a person’s profile, the more the chances are of that person turning out to be a complete retard.
• An average facebook addict’s profile would take ages to load even on one of the latest high tech processor PCs. So it’s better that you save all the work on your comp and then click on someone’s profile because if that person is bordering mental retardness then your computer is going to hang big-time.
• Facebook is also exceedingly used by self obsessed teenage girls who are really popular in their colleges, they are also known as ‘sluts’. These girls use the FB platform to share the insane amounts of photos they take. The titles of these photos range from ‘me’, ‘myself’, ‘me and my friends’ to ‘me from another angle’, ‘me with a new hairstyle’, ‘me with my uncle’s daughters’, ‘me with a new hairstyle with my uncles daughter at my uncles funeral’ etc. And they wish the entire world would comment on those photos, a wish which is mostly fulfilled just by other ‘sluts’ like themselves.
• Like Orkut has communities Facebook has groups. There are groups for virtually everything you can think of. You can type any random stuff like ‘I like to pick my left nose hole with my right hand pinky finger’ do a little search on it and voila! You would find hundreds of groups with thousands of people interested in the same thing as you.
• The biggest disadvantage of facebook is how difficult it has made for stalkers like me and you (yes you!) to create a fakie there. This is where Orkut scores, where the probability of finding fakies in any community is greater than that of finding Atif Aslam songs on a girl’s cell phone.
3) HI5
• See if you have a Hi5 profile then its highly possible that you have a profile on one of the above two websites, I am also sure that anyone having a profile on Hi5 (or any other weird social networking website) is really desperate and has tried almost everything to make friends. In that case I pray to God that you get laid pretty soon.
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Posts: 19
Reply #19 on : Mon July 20, 2009, 09:32:17