I was out for a stroll the other day and I realized that no one recognized me. I guess writing for an online site with a fake moniker doesn’t get me enough fame. To solve my problems I decided to be a prominent historical figure. I’ve my stipulation though. Satisfy the following and you can be my slaves for evermore.
1. My name: Every place, object and person in the vicinity of my birthplace should be named after me. I know excessive use of my name would ruin its’ magnificence but hey who cares for reasons. By giving everything my name it would automatically become amazing! Trust me, it works. Imagine an airport named ‘Leonardo DaPinchy Airport’, just my name and it would be amazing. You won’t need to keep it clean and stuff. Fuck cleanliness! You won’t even require planes. Just my name. Name usage: $60 per location.
2. My nickname: I’ve seen a lot of historical figures getting nicknames like XYZ the Lion or ABC the Panther. I hope my ardent followers would refrain from this. Years of adaptation and evolution were invested in making me a man, calling me a lion, panther or any other quadruped will not be tolerated. Comparing me to an animal would imply that you think of me as a naked, hairy, beast that lives in the forest and is incapable of washing his own ass. If you still insist on giving me a nickname, ‘Leo the God’ would suffice. Nickname fine: $250 + one testicle. If the culprit isn’t in possession of a testicle, he’ll have to pay an extra $50.
3. Facts: My every misdeed should be erased from history. Anyone who bad mouths me using concrete historical evidence should be mutilated. I must exist as an impeccable man! Every body part especially my genitals should be blown out of proportion. Rasputin’s penis should seem like a Napoleon compared to mine. ‘Halley’s Comet’ would be my ejaculation accident. Also any hot female in history I’ve done her. Doesn’t matter if she was born before of after me. Screw anachronism! I’m absolute. Tarnishing my name fine: $ 300 + your daughter’s name gets added to my list. If the culprit isn’t in possession of a daughter (preferably hot), he’ll have to pay an extra $50 or a testicle.
4. Rules: Whatever I believed in should be made into a law. For example, if I were anti-alcoholic then my area of influence would be the region where not even a single drop of alcohol should be found (at least not legally). Since I stood for freedom, nothing spells freedom better than strict imposition of my beliefs on others. You see the hypocrisy, you ignore the hypocrisy, and you follow my rules since I granted you freedom! Fear not! Since I’m pro-alcohol everyone under my region must be in a state of drunken stupor. Rejoice and be drunk! Attested for driving without the influence of alcohol: $60 + one steering wheel.
5. Statues: I want statues of me all over the place and I’m not talking about simple ones. Every statue will be unique and will show me doing something amazing. They should be enormous enough to have their own satellite. All Seven Wonders of the World will be my statues. I also wish for a Great Statue Wall, it’ll be just like the great wall but instead of a wall it will be my statues juxtaposed to form an impenetrable barricade. I must inform you that there shall be no bitchy whining when it comes to the monetary funds used for my statue. My people dying in poverty is but a small gesture towards repaying my altruism. These statues will be a constant reminded of my amazing deeds which are so amazing that people will require statues to remember them. Looking, pointing or standing next to my statue fine: $1,000,000.
I guess the above list sums up my requirements. I’ve left out some obvious requirements such as, having my photo on every paper (excluding toilet paper), starting every sentence with “Leo is God….”, sacrificing the first born male of every family, etc. So what are you waiting for? Go ahead satisfy my petty needs, make me famous and get your own prominent historical figure.
PS: I guess many of you are unaware of the fact that lions engage in homosexual activities in their spare time. You call me Leo the lion I’ll kill you.
PPS: Every comment to this article should start with ‘Leo is my God…’ Defiance of this rule will lead to deletion of comments and frowning.
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Posts: 9
Reply #9 on : Sat October 17, 2009, 05:34:14