While the entire world blames the devil for everything evil, I have always believed that he’s a good fella. He’s just an unlucky guy.
Using some of my connections I arranged for a rendezvous (thanks to Microsoft word I can finally spell it right) with him.
Leo: What are your views on hell?
The devil: This place is fucked I tell you. I have an entire kingdom which is basically burning and it refuses to stop. My home is on fire as well. Instead of a “home sweet home” sign I have a “home MY FUCKING HOME IS ON FIRE” sign. Trust me if Gandhi lived under such conditions he would have killed more Jews than Hitler.
Leo: Haha! This place is no heaven.*Awkward pause… The devil thinks I’m retarded* I guess all the “hotness” makes up for the misery.*winks*
The devil: *Totally confused… Also the wink makes him doubt my sexuality* There is nothing good about the heat. I used to be fair once upon a time. Now look at me! I look like a frozen period. The communist were at one point contemplating on using me as their mascot.
Due to this heat I can’t wear any clothes. Since I’m perennially naked, I never get invited to any parties.*sighs* People sometimes ask me where I keep my wallet. I look down in embarrassment.
Leo:*Controlling my laughter on the wallet thing* By “hotness” I meant all the "bad girls" that come here.
The devil: The “bad girls” that end up here are junkies, whores or sluts. All the virgins get the stairway to heaven. I’m forced to have only “loose” women who are as good in performance as Pentium II will be 200 years from now.
I also have to worry about every possible STD. To add to my misery, ever since that notorious retard fucked a chimpanzee, I have to worry about AIDS as well. Why a chimpanzee… Why? *almost in tears* There are more than a billion females. Even the ugliest one would be better than a chimp. The final nail in the coffin is that latex melts due to the extreme heat because of which I have no condoms.
I haven’t had sex in a long time and I’m sure that God is laughing. *Surrounded by fake titties the devil cries*
Leo: *Worried that the devil may ask me for sexual favors, I change the topic.* Why did you choose a Goat as your symbol?
The devil: That is probably a conspiracy of the church. I would never choose a goat unless I was really drunk on “Symbol Selection Night”.
Look at the characteristics of a goat. It eats grass and has a “maaa… maaa” sound. How could I scare anyone with a goat? The only thing I could scare is maybe grass. I always wanted to choose a shark. In fact I wouldn’t mind a cockroach. I could scare all females and a couple of faggot males.
Leo: Interesting! … And what’s the deal with this snake thing?
The devil: I don’t even know why I brought this thing. Heck, I don’t even know what kind of snake it is. It has the head of a cobra and the body of a python. This is one messed up thing I tell you!
Ever since modern medicine has become advanced enough to cure snake bites, the snake has become a liability. I can’t even use it for transportation. The very sight of He-Man riding his “Battle Cat” brings tears into my eyes.
Leo: Sad about the animal part. Anyways, how’s the rock scene in hell?
The devil: Ever since metal was declared as the devil’s music, God refused to take any metal head into heaven. This rule turned out to be my worst nightmare. The massive influx of posers is a major nuisance. During one Jim Morrison’s “Live in Hell” show these guys kept demanding for an Enrique Iglesias numbers. Jim Morrison almost went insane. Jimi Hendrix had similar issues. He tried to choke on his own vomit to get away from these retards.
The worst of the lot were these black metal heads! They started stalking me for autographs. A few even tried to molest me. My wallet saved me in the end.
Leo: I guess my time is up. It was nice talking to you. I would like to say chill out but then you can’t.*I laugh… he stares… I decide to leave.*
PS: It took me a week to get the image of the devil naked out of my head.
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Posts: 1
Reply #1 on : Thu February 04, 2010, 03:53:41