Following the ump’teen’ th successful suicide in the secondary education age group, the government of India has decided to set aside a quota for S.S.C suicidals. Government’s spokesperson on the issue, Prabal Prachari, said “After minimum deliberation the government has concluded that committing suicides is a far truer vocation for most of our teenagers than any of the existing curricula.” The anticipated announcement revealed a quota of 34.99% almost as an acknowledgement of the almost passing percentage (35) a suicide exponent makes his last association with.
The Union Education Minister, Mr. Kapil Sibbal, who was exempt from attending the meeting being on one of his ’university de-recognising’ visits was pleased on being informed about the quota. A puffy eyed, sleep-deprived and unwell Sibbal expressed his pleasure by saying ‘I am pleased. Now that death has been assimilated in the education system, it wouldn’t take long burrrrrrpppp…excuse me… for illiteracy to be as accepted into the system as well …burrrp..burr… I’ll then go for my vacation.” Kapil Sibbal look relieved. BigFishMag resources have confirmed that the burps were due to acidity and indigestion caused by erratic working on charting a much needed new and sensible education plan.
Coaching classes have already announced special batches to prepare students for next year’s SQEE (suicide quota entrance exam). Parallels are already being drawn with IIT-JEE in the discord between available seats and number of aspirants. The exorbitant coaching fees parents are willing to pay to kill their students proves that the idea has already taken root and is now ready to take lives as well.
One parent, however, expressed his dissatisfaction saying “ Bhondu sir of Vidya-Vidya coaching classes insists that we purchase special fiber, high tensile, ceiling fan brand rope and teak wood stool from him as essential stationary. We have recently moved up to using cooking gas from kerosene stove thinking of all the money we’ll save once our daughters S.S.C results are out. Why burn the mid-night oil when she can burn herself to complete her course? We have lots of kerosene left. We’d appreciate if the government lists accepted modes of suicide to avoid duping of parents by coaching classes.”
Another sentiment on the unclear minutiae of the announcement was expressed by the 13 year old Jinnu Bezaar. “Kamini didn’t not smile when I look at her today. I am feeling like suiciding. Can I admission also?”
Overall the response has been a sweeping positive from all noteworthy affecting and affected sections of the population. The only disruptive comment came from the Opposition Party quarters. The popular positive reaction to the quota announcement underwent a momentary revision when Prabal Prasari, the spokesperson of the opposition party, read “We don’t have to lose our kids’ lives in the name of education.” However, when he concluded with “…we offer a free party membership to all students appearing for S.S.C this year which will ensure them a long life as responsible citizens of India having been associated with most idealistic political party ever.”, the parents just turned the other way and continued bidding for seats in the black market in case their kids can’t make it on their own.
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Reply #2 on : Sun January 24, 2010, 00:15:58