I attended a funeral recently and to be honest I had gone with this preconceived notion that it was going to suck big time! What I realized that day is any event (even something as morbid as a funeral) where a bunch of Indians gather and socialize can be anything but boring, you just need to look at the right places. Below is a list of people (generalization) who made my funeral-stay a relatively pleasant experience (in no particular order).
- Old Farts with one foot in the grave but trying to appear calmness personified - However, deep inside each is calculating the probability of him being the next one to kick the proverbial bucket. They are also guilty of platitudes like: Life is a mystery; you never know when tragedy can strike. This is about the same time when an out-of-control toddler crashes into his sagging nut sack and serves the point right.
- Indifferent Teenagers - They basically don’t give a fuck about the dead and couldn’t care less if the dead body stands up and performs a blind-folded back-flip while simultaneously juggling horse testicles. They are present at the funeral either because the dead was a relative or because ma and pa wanted to show the whole world how caring their hideously obnoxious children are.
- The Story Teller - He is the most sought-after man apart from the dead, of course. The story teller is the guy with the most interesting and out of the box take on the cause of death and draws a lot of attention. However, the race to the top is not easy. Each candidate stands at a corner and the crowd moves from one booth to the other sampling the wares. The winner is decided by a show of simple majority and cements his position as the man of the moment.
- The over-zealous helper - He wants to have a say in everything. The over-zealous helper is restless and in constant motion to find a chore to perform and more often than not ends up being a sore in the ass. He wants to contribute so eagerly that sometimes you get the feeling that he had a part to play in the death as well. This is generally when the police steps in.
- Non family member with the loudest wail - This category mostly comprises struggling actors present at the funeral to sharpen or test a newly acquired skill set. God save the congregation if there is more than one of these wannabe actors – each trying to out-wail the other.
- The Lowest of the Low - Sly bastards trying to pick-up chicks at the funeral. Highly adept in the art of strategic positioning. The way they home-in on the frail and emotionally unstable chicks, one would not be mistaken in thinking that they are equipped with custom-made state of the art GPS devices. They come armed with the most suave of quotes picked up from Wikiquotes. Judging by the above description they might come across as commandos but in reality they are just fruity little bastards!
PS: Here is an interesting question posted on some forum: If heaven is such a nice place, why is crucifixion considered such a big sacrifice?
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Posts: 3
Reply #3 on : Sun January 24, 2010, 00:49:07